I See You

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In the deepest and darkest night

You choose to look inside yourself

You expect to find a horrid fright

But that is not what you found

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Instead inside of thee, you see

A strength that is rock solid

Gifting others compassionately

But not in how you treat your self

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The time has come to look inside

And rather than fail to see reality

Face the spirit from which you abide

Be the YOU that we have always seen

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Take heart in what we say we see

Deeply ingrained strength in you

Beauty, kindness, strength, honesty

We see the real you and appreciate

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I see you and wish you could too

How you are outside is just a piece

My love is for the inner you

The beauty that we all see

 

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Thrive

In the depths of despair
I will find you there
Digging deeper, trying to flee
Unable, in fear, to truly see

What you run from is in your head And because of that, face it instead   You can not just leave it behind 
It’s a large part of your endless grind

Work with it, understand it, be
That is how you will break free
Hide not how or who you are
That has dug you in this far

Show the world you are okay
With how you are in any way
Shout it out … I will survive
But even louder, I will thrive!

I am not an”in-valid”

I thought that I would share my first week as an in – valid.  I wrote it that way deliberately because I feel that the hair line fracture of my ankle and being on crutches – basically immobile, has lessened me as a human being.  Less than those with the miracle of two working leg humans and I know it is only temporary but it does not feel that way in the moment.

Yes I am being dramatic but you try a week with crutches and navigating life, well in my case, the house.  I can not carry my own shopping, even if I can actually manage the energy to go shopping.  I hate shopping, but now that I can’t, I want to go shopping.  I may or may not be a little irritable ALL the time, at everything.

My dignity was the first thing to die.  At the hospital, in screech worthy agony when the 12, yes 12 xrays of my left side were taken.

No please, I am serious, please do not help, it will just make it hurt more.  I mean where are you going to hold, EVERYTHING aches!!

I do not know what hurts the most, it just all hurts!!  And, yes I might well look fine, but I am in frigging agony so stopping assessing my PTSD created affect and LISTEN to me!!!

There was a second tragic loss.  I was reaching into the cupboard to get a plate down and there ended the story of a cup that was in the way. Luckily, the set it belongs to can be bought as separates.   I feel there may be more of such purchases in the next 6 weeks.  I refuse to use plastic plates and they are too flexible for me to carry with the crutches.

The third loss was two boxes of chocolates, yes two and don’t judge me!! When I bought them, I said I would give them to our parents but they were like calling my name. I can not just have one, sooo … we all know how this ends.  Maybe the empty boxes could be useful??

I think the chocolate demise was the outward manifestation of my depression over the fall etc etc

So our front door is on the bottom floor.  If the door bell rings I go out on the upstairs balcony and shout down.  I am very clear, that if I climb down those stairs and you are not someone I personally must see or asked to visit, then you better be ready to run.  If you want to offer me religious salvation, (which since you do not know me, is more about your needs than mine) it will not be me needing salvation when I finally get down those steps.  What is the saying that I am thinking of, oh yes,

“I will end you”.

Or, since I dragged my ass down those stairs, say your spiel, then help me curb my shopping urges.  Drive me up town and feel fee to carry stuff for me while we walk and you talk.  I really think I am saved … from the lust of shopping freedom but my religious beliefs are not your business. Wait, if you are on a bike then get right back on it mister!!!

I was so excited that I could shower this morning, alone that I sent my male friend a text saying that I had showered alone this morning.  That it was not a “dirty” text but a clean one lol  It is like the high point of my week and he writes back “don’t you normally shower alone?” – I give up lol I am laughing so hard that I can’t text anymore and will explain it later.

I am going into town now.  I am determined to get some more fixings for my scrap booking job (apparently 400 dots and a roll of tape was not enough).  Yup 47 years of photographs sorted because it keeps me off my ankle.  I am enjoying it, soaking in each memory and talking to my beloved ghosts about them (don’t ask – it may be the pain killers, although I do believe that my deceased loved ones are always with me).

Have a great day and thanks for reading.  If you see someone differently “abled” just think how much inner strength they have, to be in the same place you are.