Musings

I lay awake and think of you

Looming close and over me

The dread, the pull, the fear

How not to give in to despair!

 

You come in weakness

You stay when I’m alone

You lurk within the dark

Leaving scars that mark

 

How I totally hate you

Despise you even more

Wish you a fiery end

No magic wand to amend

 

But that is not my reality

For you forever arrive

I can not walk around you

Meeting you is what I rue

 

What or who be you?

Don’t you yet know?

Its the future I fear

And it creeps ever near

 

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Blinded

When you close your eyes, what do you see?

In the shuttered dark, is it simply the absence of me?

Or do you apply negative judgement to the dark?

The staining black denotes evil leaving it’s mark

If your world is filtered through that dark

There is then no light upon which hope can park

It becomes a place weighted in horror and fear

Never able to pierce the layers of black despair

Open your eyes, shake off the dark, see clearly

Fight for a free world where all are judged fairly

Don’t hide behind eyes shut tight in fear, that  hide from reality

Instead join in, have a voice, live in a society of creativity

Claim your voice

Night always falls upon us
As shadows steal the light
Horrors stalk the waiting land
Rendering us silent with fright

Know not who they come for
Just know that they will come
For those marked for desecration
It will be the end of some

If it is your turn this night
You who they hunt and prowl
Will you submit to their tyranny
With a whimper or a growl?

Will you simply await your fate?
Or will your voice be outspoken?
Joining the choir of those that fight? 
Make your resistance be more than token

Give voice to the terrors of the night
Or those in shadow stalking the light
Making you stronger to win the fight
The voice is stronger, claim the right!

Depression

i

Depression is simply a mood state

You try to accept that, to breathe

As it silently weighs you down

A heavy, blanketing burden of despair

ii

Depression becomes the way of life

The despair soaking into your bones

Your mind slows with the infinite dull pain

The never ending darkness on a bright day

iii

What you can do becomes defined by this mood state

Struggling to even get out of bed, to perform self care

Days might as well be nights, they have no separate meaning

Everything blurs to the dulled mind, time passes as does life

iv

It may have one inclusive name:  Depression

But the experience for each person is very different

For some it is simply the opposite to their happy state

It is difficult to explain to other people, how it feels

v

People say “cheer up”, “just smile” or “snap out of it”

Like having depression is in any way a person’s choice

We live with it, it lives within us and it can affect everything

But let me be very clear it will never define all of who we are

vi

I will never answer beyond “I’m fine if you ask how I am”

This is not about you or our relationship, its part of me

I consider this a private battle, one I rarely share

But it does mean something that you asked

Solitude

Not sure why this is in drafts.  It looks like I was going to keep going but I will publish this as it is for now.  I may edit it later.

Solitude

1

There are no bars at the windows

The door is locked but I hold the key

I have transport, it sits idle in the drive

I remain inside the boundary of my land

2

My social circle is very small

It diminishes more each day

As I choose to remain inside

The barriers erected by my mind

3

The physical trap is set and active

My body strength wasting away

Membership to the gym lies dormant

 I passively observe the worsening decline

4

It isn’t just my body, that makes me linger inside

Its weight compounds my stress, ugliness to mine eye

The real problem, my mind’s tortured thinking

Leading me to hide, not just myself but also my reality

5

While it is true that other people have betrayed me

Initiating my self isolation, to choose the hermit life

Those people do not suffer, my justice is not served

It is my trust that lies in tatters by what they caused

6

I am longer at ease in the company of others nor able to fake it

I prefer to be with animals or a chosen few close to me

I have forgotten all the previously familiar social cues

Being able to easily converse, mingle and entertain

7

I wasn’t always like this, despite being naturally shy

It was just well hidden under a persona of self assurance

I had a life outside of home and a career that I was proud of

I am rarely seen within the world, in any context

8

My confidence has declined over time and with many blows

My ability to mask the consequences equally diminished

My life reduced to faking normality and acceptance, if I bother

This fate that I never saw for myself, when dreaming as a child

9

I want to batter the bars, smash the locks within my mind

I want to be the one that strides confidently forward

Not slowed by the grasp of the past, entangling my ankles

The freedom to be truly free and even more to find me

Detritus

Began on December 03, 2014.  The italic words are from the draft.

 

–o0o–

 

The detritus of my past experiences are smothering my now

The artifacts of memory are weighing me down

I can not walk, but crawl toward the horizon

Seeking a future that may never be realised

 

Where should I turn, which path to take

All of the sign posts have been burned

I have no direction of my own, I circle in confusion

The past is piling up behind me, alongside me and now in front

Where do I turn?  To whom?  How do I go forward?

Medication can smother the symptoms

But the underlying pain and causes lurk

Bubbling, fermenting and waiting on their chance

Counselling offers short term solution, or maybe the peace of release

That is the past pattern, I need “the final” solution, one that sticks

Talking makes no change, if thinking and actions do not follow

Or eventually the familiar path returns, walking the same steps

I continue on my journey, seeking external signposts

While mending internal wounds, seeping their pain

They colour my perceptions, my path is littered with them

But I will persevere, I will share, I will prevail

My Online Life

Since I tried an alternative to writing essay formats for Blogging 101,  I have become hooked on the verse form.   It provides me a short burst per sentence to say what I need to and I find myself enjoying it.   I don’t get entangled in trying to make sense. When I am ready to write it can just flow, like it has been sitting in the recesses of my mind waiting for a voice.  That is not to say that I don’t have two partial poems in draft that are just not working but the kernel of an idea that they each contain are ones that I am not yet willing to give up.

I have found that most of the poems are dark in nature.  At this time in my life it suits my mind set but that isn’t to say that I spend my days in sadness or hopeless grief.  I am sure that eventually poems will focus on my cats, my home or my marriage and they will be more uplifting.  Just not right at the moment.  At the moment the confines of my life (mainly through my own lethargy) dictate this thought pattern.

I hope you enjoy this one and feel free to make comments including suggestions for improvements.  I am sure I will come back to this and the others and attempt to make them ‘perfect’.  The unending search for perfection that has always guided my life.

My online life 

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Going online is my lifeline

The last remaining umbilical cord

Tethering me to this world

That I am slowly detaching from

ii

Going online is my connection

Through it, I find like minded people

Remaining safe behind my computer screen

I move in this world without physical contact

iii

Going online is silent, the sound turned off

And yet it provides me a voice, to share my thoughts

I engage in conversations, I make friends, I am known

Just through the tapping on my keyboard

iv

The computer screen fills my vision

When writing, I am not looking at faces or scenery

I stared fixedly at words that imprint on my screen

Using Facebook, Skype or W.O.W. chat

v

Going online gives me distance

Although my words can be far reaching

My body remains safely in my lounge

Prying eyes can only see what I post

vi

Going online reduces my exposure

Even the emotional connection to my writing

Is lessened in the act of the scribe

I can write shedding tears and no one can see

vii

Turning my computer off

Can feel like switching off my self

I sit in darkness and solitude

Facing a blackened screen

vii

The absence of that glowing screen

Something that I can not contemplate

It is my voice, my haven, my place

In a world I rarely place an actual tread

The Textile of Sadness

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i

There is a textile of sadness

It drapes heavily over the body

The colours are somber, very dark

Saturated in tears, deepening the hue

ii

It drapes like a full length cloak

Smothering the slighter form of the wearer

Head to toe, no light able to intrude the gloom

Increasing the pale pallor of those adorned in it

iii

It smells of wet dog, left on its own to dry

Inadequate drying time bolstering the odor

It has a penchant to grow black mould

Resulting in spores erupting all over its surface

iv

There is no tie dye effect able to lesson the dark

No light colours of joy bleeding through

The dark hue is a solid colour block throughout

No hint of the person struggling beneath peers out

v

It is time to shrug it off, throw it to the floor

Step clear of its weighty shadows, walking free

Wearing it only as an accessory, like a funereal requirement

For appropriate moments, before returning it to the wardrobe

vi

Sadness is a textile that needs to be confined

To those moments when appropriate but as a visitor

Not the enduring textile of our lives, worn forever more

To reduce the risk of permanence wash with bleach

The Texture of Sadness

I disappointed myself yesterday and somehow it led to a flood of “dark” poems.

I find it less distressing to write in verse than in long form.

download

i

The texture of sadness is …

Never ending bone deep weariness

The cloying scent of despair

The moisture grooved cheeks

Depositories of endless tears

ii

Sadness grows from many origins

They blend and blur together over time

The grief of lost family and friends

The sorrow of opportunity buried

Deep beneath the path not taken

iii

The depression of loneliness and despair

Burrowing deep under the skin, smothering

So despairing, alone, we seek any escape

Not asking for help or admitting to the need

We are drowning in our own solitude

iv

We display the stoic, frozen facial expression

Faking the aesthetic of happy contentment

Revealed false in the downcast eyes, the hidden truth

Looking back, the future shrouded, the now a quagmire

The struggle to engage, to even breathe, let alone be happy

v

The wistful looks to the past, mourning what passed

The maudlin thoughts, bleakly stuck in one place

The bitter tears bringing the endless headache

The abyss of sleep, with false promise of dreams

The cold harsh reality, rinse and repeat the pain

vi

The texture of sadness, encompassing current reality

Devoid of ‘real’ happiness, the apparent norm for others

The absence of simple pleasure, no automatic smile

Heading straight to the negative, never believing the potential

Surrendering to the reality of now, seeing no tomorrow

vii

The illusion that tomorrow will be a better day

That no tears will fall, unless of sheer joy

Gaining the freedom to smile and to laugh

Trusting that they are not fleeting, superficial

Capable of feeling more than the texture of sadness