When you close your eyes, what do you see?
In the shuttered dark, is it simply the absence of me?
Or do you apply negative judgement to the dark?
The staining black denotes evil leaving it’s mark
If your world is filtered through that dark
There is then no light upon which hope can park
It becomes a place weighted in horror and fear
Never able to pierce the layers of black despair
Open your eyes, shake off the dark, see clearly
Fight for a free world where all are judged fairly
Don’t hide behind eyes shut tight in fear, that hide from reality
Instead join in, have a voice, live in a society of creativity
I have been giving myself a hard time because the ease of following my eating plan in the first 5 months has ended. I now find myself tempted, a lot and have even over indulged purely in habit when stressed.
I had a change in thinking yesterday. I am now viewing the struggle as positive. It is forcing me to make decisions about what I eat and why. I am no longer following the eating plan or the actual choices of food by rote.
My goal this year was to live mindfully and these challenges help me achieve that. I know that talking about something won’t cure it but if it is a habit and you manage it by replacing a new more mindful way of action and thinking. It is a better way of living.
Two nights ago I had 5 points left on my daily point allowance under the Weight Watchers system. We were at the supermarket and I was putting high point items in the trolley stating they were for later.
Who was I kidding!! Not even myself because I knew if I bought these high point items I would eat them, immediately, and at the same time wreck my clean eating efforts. At times will power is ineffectual over just having to eat something I know is sitting in my cupboards.
So I chose not to buy them. I told myself if I wanted them I could go back tomorrow and eat them within my points. Was I a ‘little’ grumpy ? Definitely!, but I didn’t go back for them the next day.
This way of eating is teaching me a lot about my eating patterns and how often they are dictated by my mood and the past. I wanted a lifetime not a lifestyle change and I am working hard for it.
In the depths of despair
I will find you there
Digging deeper, trying to flee
Unable, in fear, to truly see
What you run from is in your head And because of that, face it instead You can not just leave it behind
It’s a large part of your endless grind
Work with it, understand it, be
That is how you will break free
Hide not how or who you are
That has dug you in this far
Show the world you are okay
With how you are in any way
Shout it out … I will survive
But even louder, I will thrive!
I have given up on Christmas this year. Well the part of it that calls for me to leave the house and visit my parents and parent – in – laws. I am still struggling to walk on crutches and ache much of the time. Walking results in panting from the exertion and sweating indelicately. Added to that is that my hubby has a nasty cold and feels he is on his death bed. I am impressed that he keeps going to work and his voice is now barely above a croak.
So what we do for this day requires a rethink. Hubby and I don’t really celebrate Christmas in the Christian sense or in the retail sense. I am not sure we have ever created our own rituals. We both usually work through this time (well I did when I was working and he still does) so that colleagues with children can be with them.
One aspect of Christmas I do love are the Christmas carols (despite a poem mocking them (https://shadowrealities.me/2015/12/17/anti/). The music lifts my spirits and I know many of them off by heart. When I was younger I would go to the bottom of our garden and sing them to myself and the air (hoping the poor neighbours were out!). Hubby loves the Snoopy’s Christmas song and is often heard humming that.
I usually love wandering around the shops (not sure what my stress would think about this idea) but this year I just physically can’t. I love watching people and at this time of year there are soooo many people to watch. So no bargain hunting for me this year. I am even going to miss the Pandora retired charm sale on Boxing Day (that hurts!). So I am saving money lol! Yep hunting for the positives.
Scott’s wife said she didn’t miss Christmas with Scott (we lost him 2 years ago), as much as the rituals their long years of marriage added to this occasion. I am not sure Hubby and I have rituals for Christmas, so possibly on this day, in this year we will spend some time establishing some. Then we can incorporate them in following years.
So this years Christmas is restricted to what we can physically achieve. We also don’t want hubby sharing his cold with our parents. The previous years have been restricted by my mental state and stress levels. Next year is going to be different!! We just have to make it so.
We have no right to stop you dying
When your soul was already flying
Your body numb and dormant
Wanting an end to your torment
Just because we have won our battle
Doesn’t mean you follow like cattle
You have to walk your own path
To let out your own self wrath
Time is never over, until you stop it
Just like you stopped being hit
Will death end your relentless pain?
Suiciding, what does anyone gain?
A footnote in the media news
Your death for someone else to use
A message that you never intended
Reality and politics become blended
If you die today the sun still rises
People live on, of all sizes
Of all different pain levels
Tormented by their own Devils
We have no right to stop you dying
But that won’t stop us from trying
You definitely possess great value
Already to us and one day, you
Just stay alive to see it too
A new hope in place for you
Lean on us, till you can live
Your ownself you must forgive