Don’t read between the lines
Don’t skip to the back
And definitely, never, ever
Expect expose’ images to view
Because this is me
But only in this moment
In this infinitesimal moment
Before I evolve once more
I have let go of who you judge
To be me, or the me YOU need
I have let go who I want to be
I am simply ME
I wear what makes me smile
Fashion can dictate elsewhere
I don’t wear makeup
For anyone but me
Look away if my visage offends
Today authentically I am me
AT FRIGGING LAST
EMDR: Eye Movement Desensitisation & Reprocessing
I thought that CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy – a talking therapy to manage your problems by changing how you think and behave) was my last chance to heal. I liked the homework and very structured approach but it didn’t work for me. I found it extremely depressing, seeing so much wrong and how much work. It meant that I began to experience hopelessness. I was also very closed off from my thoughts and at times I could not even figure out my trigger thought. Mindfulness made more sense for me.
I am trying to get into DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy – an offshoot of CBT) because I believe that some of the practices you learn within it offer more tools for my toolbox to defeat my depression and anxiety. Or at least learn how to manage it with less negative impact on my life. However, in NZ there are hardly any practitioners so I am on a never ending waiting list. I do work on some of these therapies on my own through book guides but doing it that way means that I have no feedback about whether it is effective or not.
So I am trying EMDR but with tapping not the rapid eye moments because that gave me a headache. I am in the initial stages but it seems to suit me. I can invoke my meditation skills to build the safe place required to move from there into trauma areas. Basically, this theory seeks to remove trauma memories from the forefront and resolve them in the same way that positive memories are. They may be present but not in the dominant way that they were previously.
I am hoping this is my way forward. I appreciate the calmer state of meditation and bringing mindfulness into play throughout my day. I want to be more present in my life without the shroud of my past over shadowing it.
I have a work process for writing. One that I follow religiously and previously unconsciously. I write repeated stories, be they the facts for academic papers or the background for fictional stories. Eventually the story grows from that and is a merging of all the information. This is not that effective for academic papers because it is inefficient and stresssful. But it’s brilliant for an evolving short story.
If I am what you see
What does that make me?
As I do not see the same
Unable to give it name
Who am I? Why am I here?
Why are you so far over there?
Shouldn’t my mirror image be near
Why is that image so unclear?
As I write this I want to cry
Unsure of completely why
I feel a part from myself; Divorced
Though the topic is oft discoursed
I feel alone in a place of many
Unable to fully connect with any
I stand and simply shiver
Unsure that I can deliver
An expose on who I might be
So that others can really see
Who it is that is truly me
Within myself feeling free
So come on over and say hello
I may not be the same tonorrow
Living in each each unique moment
Feeling within myself fully content
I had vaguely remembered that if someone told me I couldn’t do something… you guessed it I had to try. More often than not I did do it …in my own way but done.
I have countless memories of doing this. I really detest being restricted by someone else’s idea of what I can achieve. My two recent favourites are getting my Masters (take that doubters, which sadly often included me) and writing my chapter in a book I simply treasure for its meaning to me, currently in the final processes prior to publication internationally (when published I will blog on this).
My life, currently, is spent living in the moment. In the spirit of this I have a very now example of my refuting another person limiting me. That includes my husband who has learned over time and does it rarely. He said that I could not mow the middle lawn of three. I said I could because it is the only flat section of the three.
At the moment I am on a break from mowing the bottom AND middle lawns. I intend to mow the top lawn too. He is right in his thinking that with my physical fitness level and arthritic knees condition. I am not ignoring these, I am adapting to them. I couldn’t mow the lower lawn as high up the slope as hubby can and I am probably slower. I bet he critiques my mowing lines lol. I tried to be neat but he’s a man …
What living in this moment taught me is that some of who I was in the past is not all bad. I like my determination and tenacity. What is even more crucial is that I want to make my restrictions. Like proving the lawn point but only to what my knees can manage.