Woe is me, please set me be

I love my job. I work with people with disability, illness or injury to find work. Along the way they find pieces of themselves that being “disabled” in a society built and engineered toward the “normal” have gotten lost.  I live the philosophy of my employer. I believe every person has a unique skill, perspective or talent to by I g to an employer. The right person for the right job.

So why am I sitting on my bed, stressed and miserable, instead of at work? Doing what I believe in:

1) I have broken ribs and I haven’t stopped and looked after them. They hurt all the time. Way worse than fibro does at the moment. I need to rest.

2) I have had endless issues with a computer system from hell and yesterday it broke me. I couldn’t take one more phone call to the help desk for a short term if any fix. One more play nice instead of really saying what I meant.

3) I can’t breathe. I have hubby caring for my best interests at home, which I love. My work partner is also my personal trainer and I can’t breathe. I can’t be. Someone 8s always in my space, yammering or ordering or judging or just in my space. Can I shout ” look away!! Nothing to see”!!

4) Too many changes all at once. I have a full time job that is business and I dress differently and I often don’t recognise me. I went vegetarian. I went hard core work outs … as much as one can in this broken down body. My dad had a heart attack and a stroke and I discovered a well of anger at him. My blood brother can be Mary sunshine which is just fracking annoying and I feel disconnected and judged by my heart brother. Life is tough atm and much is self inflicted.

So one day at a time and don’t say the first though in my head. It is never going to be pc!!

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Appearances can lie …

Day 28 —You read about yourself in your brother/sister, girlfriend/boyfriend’s diary.  What did you read?

Dear Diary,

Sam was supposed to meet me in town for a coffee.  I got there early but she never came at all.  I don’t know why I am surprised she hates crowds and this is a busy cafe.  But she sounded so sure that she could do it this time and she picked the cafe.  I know that its hard for her but shes having counselling I just don’t see how she has so much trouble.  I mean we are family, how can it be hard to meet one of us?

She never used to have these problems.  When I see her at our parents she just looks as she always has.  I just don’t understand and we have grown so far apart that I don’t know how to just come out and ask her.  I would hate to make “it” worse.  I guess that all that I can do is keep trying.  Maybe next time I will see if she wants to come here or I can go to her place.

Writers note:  

I am not sure that is exactly how my brother would write about our relationship.  I am not even sure he has a diary.  He is more verbal in his communication and can grumble at having to text.

I do think its sad that we rarely talk and yet are only 20 minutes apart.  A lot of it is my mental state and our shared grief over his daughter’s death.  It made it painful to see each other or rather, this is some of the why that I think contributes to it.

Time passes and I guess you just get used to the separation and it becomes even harder over time to resolve the distance.  We do see each other at family events ( I can usually make myself go to them because my family are important to me).

Anxiety and depression can be invisible.  One moment I can be perfectly fine talking to anyone.  But in another I can struggle with a panic attack in my own home with just me and hubby present.  It doesn’t seem to matter to me what the situation is or who is present I can just struggle sometimes and not others.