Woe is me, please set me be

I love my job. I work with people with disability, illness or injury to find work. Along the way they find pieces of themselves that being “disabled” in a society built and engineered toward the “normal” have gotten lost.  I live the philosophy of my employer. I believe every person has a unique skill, perspective or talent to by I g to an employer. The right person for the right job.

So why am I sitting on my bed, stressed and miserable, instead of at work? Doing what I believe in:

1) I have broken ribs and I haven’t stopped and looked after them. They hurt all the time. Way worse than fibro does at the moment. I need to rest.

2) I have had endless issues with a computer system from hell and yesterday it broke me. I couldn’t take one more phone call to the help desk for a short term if any fix. One more play nice instead of really saying what I meant.

3) I can’t breathe. I have hubby caring for my best interests at home, which I love. My work partner is also my personal trainer and I can’t breathe. I can’t be. Someone 8s always in my space, yammering or ordering or judging or just in my space. Can I shout ” look away!! Nothing to see”!!

4) Too many changes all at once. I have a full time job that is business and I dress differently and I often don’t recognise me. I went vegetarian. I went hard core work outs … as much as one can in this broken down body. My dad had a heart attack and a stroke and I discovered a well of anger at him. My blood brother can be Mary sunshine which is just fracking annoying and I feel disconnected and judged by my heart brother. Life is tough atm and much is self inflicted.

So one day at a time and don’t say the first though in my head. It is never going to be pc!!

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Be there. Please. Be there.

In these moments of despair

Why are you not here?

 

I writhe in the agony of endless pain

Leaving me like this, what do you gain?

 

Where do you go when I am here alone?

No one to support me in my own home

 

I just need you so very, very much

Relying on you for such and such

 

Each little job feels a chore for you

But it’s something I NEED you to do

 

Hold me close and please, touch me now

In this moment while the pain will allow

 

For in a moment I might scream in pain

And cry bitterly underneath the strain

 

I wish we were normal, you and I

Not just me, upon you, I have to rely

 

Be there in the good times, not just the bad

So that we can celebrate, as well as feel sad

 

Together we stand, together we will fall

I wish it wasn’t on you for so much of it all