I miss you

Can you hear my heart break

Or is this silence too loud?

Since you began to lie to me

How can I believe what I hear?

Scream the truth, shout your pain

Be real, even if only to yourself

I miss my friend so very much

Come back, for yourself, please

Or for those who miss you

I am truly here for you, I am

I hope, through it all, you can see

Please let me be there for you


Woe is me, please set me be

I love my job. I work with people with disability, illness or injury to find work. Along the way they find pieces of themselves that being “disabled” in a society built and engineered toward the “normal” have gotten lost.  I live the philosophy of my employer. I believe every person has a unique skill, perspective or talent to by I g to an employer. The right person for the right job.

So why am I sitting on my bed, stressed and miserable, instead of at work? Doing what I believe in:

1) I have broken ribs and I haven’t stopped and looked after them. They hurt all the time. Way worse than fibro does at the moment. I need to rest.

2) I have had endless issues with a computer system from hell and yesterday it broke me. I couldn’t take one more phone call to the help desk for a short term if any fix. One more play nice instead of really saying what I meant.

3) I can’t breathe. I have hubby caring for my best interests at home, which I love. My work partner is also my personal trainer and I can’t breathe. I can’t be. Someone 8s always in my space, yammering or ordering or judging or just in my space. Can I shout ” look away!! Nothing to see”!!

4) Too many changes all at once. I have a full time job that is business and I dress differently and I often don’t recognise me. I went vegetarian. I went hard core work outs … as much as one can in this broken down body. My dad had a heart attack and a stroke and I discovered a well of anger at him. My blood brother can be Mary sunshine which is just fracking annoying and I feel disconnected and judged by my heart brother. Life is tough atm and much is self inflicted.

So one day at a time and don’t say the first though in my head. It is never going to be pc!!

Its a bad moment not a whole day …

Day 28: Explain a “bad” day.

I might just explain today since it has a lot of the elements present for the making of a bad day.  I woke up feeling like I hadn’t been to bed.  I did manage to have breakfast but it wasn’t with any real enthusiasm.  I just curled up back in bed after and slept for a few more hours.  The second time I woke I got up as I felt slightly more lively.  I did some housework and made lunch.  Meal wise I was not doing so bad.

In the past a bad day would be either not eating anything because I just have no interest in it.  Eating then happens just to make hubby feel better than any independent hunger of my own.  Or it is a day that is driven by stress where I eat anything that is currently in the house just to get some peace from a craving hunger that is not really derived in eating food to survive.  Food and I have a long and torturous story, one whose ending that I am trying to change.

I decided to go with my original plan for the day to keep working at tidying the lounge.  I worked on the boxes that I wanted to give to the SPCA store.  I put the items into bags to donate at their drop off point.  Then I carefully carried two bags down the stairs and out to the car.  I made it out the front door when I tripped on the step.  I fell forward and then sideways as I attempted to regain my footing.

I smashed some of the glasses that I fell on top of.  I landed hard on the concrete with my left elbow and felt a wrenching in my left shoulder.  I sat up and groaned.  I managed to get the objects back into the bags and put them back into the house.  I went upstairs and had a look at my scraped elbow, which I then put ice on.  I also sprayed ice onto my aching shoulder.

Normally this would be enough to send me spiralling back into a depressive slump.  If I had managed to crawl out of the one I had been in recently.  But instead I was able to assess my injuries (an ex nurse doesn’t forget the basics) and treat them.  I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and if I am still sore will mention it to the Doctor.  I am pretty sure that nothing is broken but I am a but worried I have done some damage to my shoulder.

I am resting but still intend to get some housework done.  Just more slowly and not involving stairs!  I am hoping that this continues, where a bad day is manageable and doesn’t send me back to simply hiding in my bed.  Bad days have definitely been worst in the last month but I am trying to really assess them for what they are, rather than accept the whole day is bad.

I began the day by making the statement that it is going to be a good day.  It still is going to be a good day.  But it is also a day when I had a fall.  I am working on minimising rather than “catastrophising” one thing that happens in a day as being representative of the whole day.  This has to be balanced with the ability to recognise that I am injured and not to just ignore or suppress that.  I want to decrease being surprised when a bruise is found or some part of my body is aching.

It can be hard work but the end result will be worth it.  Bad days will become simply that, with a defined reason and not part of a series of bad days.  I am not giving in to a mood that becomes a constant state.