Don’t read between the lines
Don’t skip to the back
And definitely, never, ever
Expect expose’ images to view
Because this is me
But only in this moment
In this infinitesimal moment
Before I evolve once more
I have let go of who you judge
To be me, or the me YOU need
I have let go who I want to be
I am simply ME
I wear what makes me smile
Fashion can dictate elsewhere
I don’t wear makeup
For anyone but me
Look away if my visage offends
Today authentically I am me
AT FRIGGING LAST
I stopped working this afternoon
Basking in the heat of the strong sun
To look around my empty office
To realise it was partly MINE
I work in this place of miracles
Where people find their way to jobs
Or like me, come back to themselves
I have this job, I work in this office
And in this moment I was simply
How do you manage a negative perspective crashing against the worst possible interpretation?
Here is the context:
In an email, I asked a clarifying question about my role
It was met with an accusation of unethical bias
An offensive and incorrect interpretation of my query
Plus my query was never actually replied to
This type of response in a professional relationship proved to be very frustrating indeed
Wading through the connotations and denotations to get to the bare bone facts to perform my job, proved distracting
Can I be that pc, to avoid the negative wording that this person seems to need and thys access the response that I require to do my job?
His way of communicating smashes straight into mine. I am blunt and prefer honesty.
I expect that at least from my managers and especially clear guidelines on how to perform my role effectively
A manager who judges how on track you are by how fiercely you respond to the allegations seems slightly idiotic to me
Is that really professional or good enough? Not to me, not if they want to engage my opinion or even form of effective communication with me
My team leader suggests that I have a gag at the ready for the team upcoming team meeting
He predicts a rousing discussion as the email offensive writing style of the manager carries through into their oral skills or lack thereof
We shall see how much of their “communication” style that I can accept before biting back
I have always worn flats. As flat as I can get or even flatter if possible. But I have the most annoying feet. The want the most expensive shoes but they won’t wear heels, I cant wear bare feet, I can’t wear barely supportive shoes that are beyond cute. The shoes I can wear would be simpler to list!
When I started work I had to upgrade my whole look. I went from Service Station chic and casual hide my figure to casual business. It was a bit of a nightmare and I made some really poor clothing choices but I also began wearing some heeled sandals without my inserts and wow … my feet actually accepted them.
I never knew why women liked wearing heels. I mean it looked so precarious and how do you run in them? But now I get it. I feel … elongated … leaner … professional … and just better somehow. I have to pick specific shoes that really support m feet. So it tends to be wedges (the black shoe) more than the heel, high heels (the silver shoe) separate from the toe section.
I am not sure they are great for my knee but I figure what the hell I might as well enjoy my new look all the way and if I break an ankle it was still worth it lol!
So I took this day
To spend in my way
The goal of reset
To prevent the fret
That was burying me
Not breaking free
Too much change
Unable to arrange
Simply more burden
Unablè to get a word in
Everybody please stop
I have to let this drop
Burden me no more
Leave crises at the door
Walk through free & clear
Managing without fear
I can do this, I can!
If I stick to my plan
Not yours or his or theirs
That leave my soul in tears
I know what I am doing
Don’t demand, try gentle wooing
I CAN DO THIS!
I love my job. I work with people with disability, illness or injury to find work. Along the way they find pieces of themselves that being “disabled” in a society built and engineered toward the “normal” have gotten lost. I live the philosophy of my employer. I believe every person has a unique skill, perspective or talent to by I g to an employer. The right person for the right job.
So why am I sitting on my bed, stressed and miserable, instead of at work? Doing what I believe in:
1) I have broken ribs and I haven’t stopped and looked after them. They hurt all the time. Way worse than fibro does at the moment. I need to rest.
2) I have had endless issues with a computer system from hell and yesterday it broke me. I couldn’t take one more phone call to the help desk for a short term if any fix. One more play nice instead of really saying what I meant.
3) I can’t breathe. I have hubby caring for my best interests at home, which I love. My work partner is also my personal trainer and I can’t breathe. I can’t be. Someone 8s always in my space, yammering or ordering or judging or just in my space. Can I shout ” look away!! Nothing to see”!!
4) Too many changes all at once. I have a full time job that is business and I dress differently and I often don’t recognise me. I went vegetarian. I went hard core work outs … as much as one can in this broken down body. My dad had a heart attack and a stroke and I discovered a well of anger at him. My blood brother can be Mary sunshine which is just fracking annoying and I feel disconnected and judged by my heart brother. Life is tough atm and much is self inflicted.
So one day at a time and don’t say the first though in my head. It is never going to be pc!!
So I did okay. Found clothes (eventually, hating almost everything I bought for the big Day!). Semi wore makeup (mainly to not look like a pale ghoul) and tamed my hair … must buy more hair spray!!. Found the hair dryer is great for drying the top I wet to get the make up mark off … sigh!!
I enjoyed the day. I like my boss. I am a good counter foil to my colleague and somehow our distinctly opposite personalities work!!.
Home time was dramatic. Three attempts to get out, then we set the alarm off and I fell into traffic! Yep nothing like a whopping great crash in front of your new boss. It hurt too lol. Not as much as the driver that nearly hit me accusing me of being drunk! Is our society that bad that we jump to the worst conclusion and fail to ask if we are okay?
An interesting Day!!
I start my new job on Thursday. It’s exciting and perfect and me. But first I say goodbye to a job I have loved. I was doing okay till today. Then it hit me. This is my last weekend at the service station. I am sad.
Of course it has not all been good. My arthritic knee has deteriorated and some customers ate horror shows. But I found parts of myself I lost. I smiled again. I got social. I chatted and connected with people. My confidence returned. I love this job and tomorrow is my last solo shift, as I am training my replacement on my final shift.
I already foretell more tears. I have come to know some amazing people. I am so keeping in touch with them. I made the right decision but I am sad.
When you close your eyes, what do you see?
In the shuttered dark, is it simply the absence of me?
Or do you apply negative judgement to the dark?
The staining black denotes evil leaving it’s mark
If your world is filtered through that dark
There is then no light upon which hope can park
It becomes a place weighted in horror and fear
Never able to pierce the layers of black despair
Open your eyes, shake off the dark, see clearly
Fight for a free world where all are judged fairly
Don’t hide behind eyes shut tight in fear, that hide from reality
Instead join in, have a voice, live in a society of creativity
Life can sometimes snatch away your written words
Take what might be recorded and have it pass by too quickly
The hourglass seems slow to fill after being flipped
But in reality time passes as always; minute by minute
It is our emotional state that changes how it’s passage feels
The dripping seconds of a boring day or the speed of light when busy
Seconds, moments, hours, days, weeks, months, years
And what truly changes is ever within us, our thoughts and emotions