I start my new job on Thursday. It’s exciting and perfect and me. But first I say goodbye to a job I have loved. I was doing okay till today. Then it hit me. This is my last weekend at the service station. I am sad.
Of course it has not all been good. My arthritic knee has deteriorated and some customers ate horror shows. But I found parts of myself I lost. I smiled again. I got social. I chatted and connected with people. My confidence returned. I love this job and tomorrow is my last solo shift, as I am training my replacement on my final shift.
I already foretell more tears. I have come to know some amazing people. I am so keeping in touch with them. I made the right decision but I am sad.
I had my first swim in the newly refurbished Makino pool and my 25 kilo weight loss body.
I was confident in my Zoggs and so enjoyed the weightless feeling in the pool. I practised some yoga moves I have been struggling with.
This photo is post swim. I don’t think I look too bad.
I can see the areas I need to work on but fat never leaves where you want it to. But the gym workouts are helping me tone. This photo was after I came home pre shower.
I love that some of my old confidence is slowly coming back in all areas of my life. I just gave to keep plodding along.
This one helps me sleep at night
Stops the nightmares giving fright
This one helps to keep me calm
A nervous, go away kind of balm
This one is to keep me happy
Makes my mood a little snappy
This one gives me waking dreams
Makes me see between the seams
This one makes me all a jitter
I so could be a pinch hitter
This one makes the goodbye sad
When underneath I am never glad
This one makes me wish to sleep
For it is there I am allowed to weep
This one helps calm my nerves
As my life careens and swerves
This one indulges many moods
But real happiness still alludes
Sometimes when experiencing mental illnesses like depression or anxiety or any really we can find it hard to explain how that feels to someone else. My hubby knows that if I reply fine to a question about how I am he understands what it really means is that I am: Feeling Incapable of Normal Emotion. It is so much less stressful than an argument over how what I am saying is not the way I am appearing or acting.
Recently a friend told me he was feeling flat. Saying it can make it weigh on you even heavier and longer because rather than being a momentary feeling it can set in and become the predominant mood. I redefined his flat mood as: Feeling Less Active today. This put a limit on how long he felt flat and meant he had to reassess it each day to see if it was still relevant.
The labels that people give us including our diagnoses can come to define us. Labels can be so destructive that we begin to accept that this is all of us, it can become our identity. We can make situations worse for ourselves when we fail to understand that a mood or feeling is fleeting and that thoughts related to that are just that thoughts. The mood is not set in stone unless we believe it to be and eventually make it so.
I am not saying that you can talk away mental illness. I am saying the words we use to discuss it can have a greater impact than can be conceived when words like lazy are applied to someone with chronic fatigue or depression. We need to watch how we define or allow others to define us.
Sticks and stones may break our bones
But words might really break us
Last week I walked 5 km on uneven ground with one crutch. This week with a cold and a strong wind I walked 2.5 km and took 5 mins off my previous time on the same course. It feels incredible. Three more races to improve even more.
I used to feel really disabled when I had to use my crutches. I hated how people stared and I just felt old and used up. But tonight I realised that my crutches enable me and I now have no problem using them to do things like this race series. People do stare (especially when I pass them – lol) but they also cheer me on too and either way I don’t let it bother me because I am doing what I want how I can and that’s okay!
I am even excited to get a walker with a seat because it will mean I can walk longer and rest my knee when it needs it. I was previously dreading this for similar reasons as the crutches. But now I am excited because I am really a keep – going – long distance gal more than a fast sprint lol. I can not wait to try it out around the streets lol
Last week and this week I felt more like my old self. I was hesitant the first week because of the uneven terrain but this week knowing the course and shortening it by a lap because of my cold, I went for it. I loved feeling my legs biting in to get that little bit faster. Too feel my breath getting raspy (and no not just from my cold lol). I didn’t realise how much I missed it till I got back into it.
I also went to the gym today as part of the Green Prescription and I realised that I have missed that too but it will take time to get back into being able to do the things that I want to. Walking first and yep – trying to work out if I could run with crutches lol I may try that in a 10 or more kilos down.
I love running!! However I am intrigued by the race walkers and that might be a nice compromise. It might suit my existing conditions better than running and almost give me the same thrill. Additionally, no one wants to see me run because it is not pretty but I love it … so who knows.
For the first time in a long while I am more excited by what I might be able to do and not devastated by what I can not. It is invigorating and exciting. I am going to be so sore tomorrow lol and it was so worth every ache and limp!!
Please feel free to share your journey’s, be they weight or recovering from injury.
I really do appreciate any and every comment.