This is me

Don’t read between the lines

Don’t skip to the back

And definitely, never, ever

Expect expose’ images to view

Because this is me

But only in this moment

In this infinitesimal moment

Before I evolve once more

I have let go of who you judge

To be me, or the me YOU need

I have let go who I want to be

I am simply ME

I wear what makes me smile

Fashion can dictate elsewhere

I don’t wear makeup

For anyone but me

Look away if my visage offends

Today authentically I am me



Day One: what a trip!!

So I did okay. Found clothes (eventually, hating almost everything I bought for the big Day!). Semi wore makeup (mainly to not look like a pale ghoul) and tamed my hair … must buy more hair spray!!. Found the hair dryer is great for drying the top I wet to get the make up mark off … sigh!!

I enjoyed the day. I like my boss. I am a good counter foil to my colleague and somehow our distinctly opposite personalities work!!.

Home time was dramatic. Three attempts to get out, then we set the alarm off and I fell into traffic! Yep nothing like a whopping great crash in front of your new boss. It hurt too lol. Not as much as the driver that nearly hit me accusing me of being drunk! Is our society that bad that we jump to the worst conclusion and fail to ask if we are okay?

An interesting Day!!

Is this the right cover?

Never judge a book by its cover, or the new one of by its movie! If you do, be prepared for a surprise or shock! 

I was thinking about what people see of me.  I am almost always appearing self assured and yet suffer intense anxiety.  I dress to cover my body and it has nothing to do with what weight I am.  In contrast I look enviously at clothes that would show off my body but am too scared to do so.

Our home is huge and real estate agents were shocked it was ours.  It is my centre but never a show home.  Built for many and yet we rarely have anyone at the house. My depression  and anxiety impact how cared for it is.

My car is now a station wagon size and yet I prefer small cars or scooters!  I love driving it which constantly confuses and surprises me!

The cats that live with me portray accurately how I prefer animals to humans.  Cats can be independent and ßß when needed.

My desire to be human-free is not represented in my special friendships.  Many of these are new in recent years.  The more I understood myself and what I needed the easier it was to find and keep friends.

I always get asked to help.  Like in a supermarket.  I did wonder if I had a sign that encouraged other people to approach me.  I avoid contact and yet will help.
I hold a lot of academic qualifications but am in no way a typical academic.  I can change to meet the situation I am in.  It was part of how I nursed – equal loves of paper work and the bed side care.

So look at any part of me and it may give you a wrong impression of me! I like to think of myself as a wordsmith, eclectic and eccentric.  I a okay just being me! and continue working on that.

Ummm …. no

I got a burst of Christmas spirit when driving to work the other day. The radio advert was extolling the joy of a live Christmas tree.  The description was so good I could smell the pine. I lived this idea, a living memory.

Since “lending” my previous 6ft tree to my brother B.  Then never seeing it again, we had been decoration deficit.  As in the extent of our home looking Christmasy was lego Christmas sets hubby built!!

Now, from the advert, I had this tree in my head. I envisioned keeping it in a pot which would get larger each year until the tree needed to be moved outside.  There it would become a new beloved feature.  I imagined sitting under it, wrapped in past memories, reading a book and making new ones!

Then the advert let me know that I go to the tree farm, pick my tree and they cut it down for me!  Is it just me or does live mean something different they days?  I mean if I apply this meaning of live, then the process of dying begins in the moment of purchase. I select the tree to adorn my home and schedule it’s end date in doing so !

My brother A (heart not blood) has a thing against buying cut flowers.  To him they symbolise buying a dying item that is meant to symbolise a continuation of live or some emotion.  Is the cut flowers message subtly, this too will end?  I am beginning to see his point!

Did I want to purchase this form of “live”?  and yes there are parallels to humans.  From the moment we are born we are in the process of dying. And yes authentic toy cats that meow and poop etc etc  are advertised as live too.  When did live become so plastic?

I know every now and then I get a Facebook message to say so and so is live now.   I always catch myself thinking:  what we’re they before? This is despite knowing what it means.  Are we at a stage where we have over used the word live and in any situation that we no longer appreciate that we are live?  That each day of live is precious?

Needless to say I will not be buying the pseudo “live” tree and be instrumental in hastening it’s death.  I want to celebrate live in the true sense.  Breathing in each moment, savouring it and doing no harm in terms process.

Oh dear!!

Hubby bought me a Nespresso machine and today I hit the boutique in Wellington.   While this was a first for me and I was out of pods, apparently driving two hours each way is normal for Nespresso Members … who knew !!!

So I described how I was having my coffee.  Expresso shot size (40 ml) but in Longi (110 ml) size.  I did not realise the size related to the coffee in the pod.  I did not know this.  what is worse was that once the shock faded in the shop assistant, she informed me I had been stressing my coffee.  

I never thought those three words would go together … stressing my coffee!!  The  shame was palpable!!  I now have two ways to make coffee my way and not “stress my coffee”. I bought some longitude pods too so that I could keep my coffee calm.

Does anyone else find the fact coffee can be stressed . .. well … absurd?  I will dutifully follow the new instructions, just so they don’t kick me out of the club.  What would George  (Clooney) say?

It’s a funny world.  Technology rules ever more of our lives and we change to accommodate them.  Who is in charge of who?

Procrastinators meet here

I was putting off the coursework for my tutoring literacy (and numeracy, but if you know me you will get the emphasis.  Math is not my friend!!). Then on Tuesday I sat down on my bed and spread the research material out.  This was not ideal!  Nor was trying to put my laptop somewhere while balancing the workbooks.  Chicken languishing amid the notes did not help!

So I decided I needed a desk.  I also needed a chair and organisation of my notes etc.  I diligently searched secondhand shops with no avail. Then I tried Warehouse and they did have a plain one for 30.00 but it was featureless.  I got as far as putting it in the trolley and all the way to the checkout before I returned it.  

Lucky I did because I found the perfect desk at the SPCA shop.  So a desk for me and funds for the animals!  The lovely people there broke it down so it fit my car – very kind.  I got my chair at the hospice shop.

I spent the afternoon setting the desk up and organising my files and it all looked great! Now this could be further symptoms of procrastination but since setting it up I have nearly completed my assessments.  I love sitting at my desk and typing away.  Connections to my love of studying returning with happy memories!!

Sometimes old fashioned is just  what is needed!!

The war within

I have been slack in my writing lately and that us in part because I am living on the monent.  However, I have noticed an annoying and alarming habit that I need to stop reocurring.  

I work incredibly hard at losing weight or housework or gardening. But eventually I stop and it all reverts to how it was or worse.  I feel it happening.  I think warnings to stop it but it rolls on over my protests.

I know there are root causes and I need to dig them out, so that the groundwork is there for long term success.  I may need a life coach to teach me longevity in my efforts.

Because I have the discipline to complete the initial thrust of effort and for some time after I know I have the ability and willpower.  I just need the key to what switches those off and keep them on!!

Anyone have similar issues?  or suggestions of remedies?

Ughs and ahs

I love my new job in the service station. In the main people are honest and kind.  But sadly some are just thieves.  They take a busy moment to drive off  without paying for their petrol.  It is frustrating and disappointing.

I am also tired of the ongoing disappointment of other people when I share what my job is.  I love working in the service station.  I call it “busy retail”.  I am rarely bored and get to fuss keeping the shop tidy. It is right for me in this moment. 

On one shift all 8 pumps had gorgeous bikes at them.  Bliss. I also see some great older cars.   People are usually happy to share about their baby!! I getting my own group of regulars.

There is an interesting gender twist with comments like “it’s nice to see a woman”.  I am currently the only woman on the floor in the 3 stations.

I love my job.   I am challenged by it in a different way from nursing.  It is not less or better than, it just is!

Smashing !!!

I dropped my Samsung Note 5 onto the driveway.  It cracked at the top and bottom diagonally.  But the middle was fine  (weird I know). 

Between $380.  – $470. to repair it. So I went with the lower quote and dutifully left my phone with the repair man for 20 min. 

Stepping out of his shop, I suddenly felt naked.  I could not take hubby’s call to tell him where I was for pick up.  I couldn’t transfer the money to pay for the repair!

I went out to the phone booth but I didn’t have my credit card and that’s all it took … sigh.  In the end I went back to the repair shop and watched the man repair my phone.

It was fascinating!  The innards were a surprise … to me!!  He advised me on a better screen saver (glass) and case to hold it (mine was inadequate apparently!!).

So an expensive repair became an interesting adventure, taking some of the sting out of the cost.  I will post a pic of the old screen when I get home (currently at my inlaws).

My surprise auto

A while ago I talked about my dream next car.  Which I was determined would be a Toyota Ractis. It was the perfect choice gor my getting in and out with my arthritic knee.  Bending and twisting is not easy for me any longer. 

The Ractis seemed my perfect option.  That was until I tried the Nissan Tiida.  It was a dream to drive and I vould get a 2012 with 3,000 trade in, when normally offered 1000- 1500 for my 14 year old Toyota Echo that till now I had been it’s only owner.

We had to wait for a bank appointment so we looked at other car yards.  I sat in a Nissan Wingroad Wagon and fell in love again.  This wagon felt familiar and I found it to be a dream to drive.  It is basically a stretched Tiida.  Bigger than I am used to but wonderful (once I get used to it).

So the Nissan Wingroad is mine.  It symbolises more to me than just transport.   It evifences my hubby’s acceptance of my new job and celebrates my joy in it by funding me a new car.  The Echo was my nursing car.

I smile when I drive this or even just see it.   The keyless entry fascinates me but can be confusing.  I just love it.