Posted in Daily life

Day One: what a trip!!

So I did okay. Found clothes (eventually, hating almost everything I bought for the big Day!). Semi wore makeup (mainly to not look like a pale ghoul) and tamed my hair … must buy more hair spray!!. Found the hair dryer is great for drying the top I wet to get the make up mark off … sigh!!

I enjoyed the day. I like my boss. I am a good counter foil to my colleague and somehow our distinctly opposite personalities work!!.

Home time was dramatic. Three attempts to get out, then we set the alarm off and I fell into traffic! Yep nothing like a whopping great crash in front of your new boss. It hurt too lol. Not as much as the driver that nearly hit me accusing me of being drunk! Is our society that bad that we jump to the worst conclusion and fail to ask if we are okay?

An interesting Day!!

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Posted in Health recovery journey, Job hunt

Goodbye

I start my new job on Thursday. It’s exciting and perfect and me. But first I say goodbye to a job I have loved. I was doing okay till today. Then it hit me. This is my last weekend at the service station. I am sad.

Of course it has not all been good. My arthritic knee has deteriorated and some customers ate horror shows. But I found parts of myself I lost. I smiled again. I got social. I chatted and connected with people. My confidence returned. I love this job and tomorrow is my last solo shift, as I am training my replacement on my final shift.

I already foretell more tears. I have come to know some amazing people. I am so keeping in touch with them. I made the right decision but I am sad.

Posted in Poetry

Blinded

When you close your eyes, what do you see?

In the shuttered dark, is it simply the absence of me?

Or do you apply negative judgement to the dark?

The staining black denotes evil leaving it’s mark

If your world is filtered through that dark

There is then no light upon which hope can park

It becomes a place weighted in horror and fear

Never able to pierce the layers of black despair

Open your eyes, shake off the dark, see clearly

Fight for a free world where all are judged fairly

Don’t hide behind eyes shut tight in fear, that  hide from reality

Instead join in, have a voice, live in a society of creativity

Posted in Poetry

It’s been awhile

Life can sometimes snatch away your written words

Take what might be recorded and have it pass by too quickly

The hourglass seems slow to fill after being flipped

But in reality time passes as always; minute by minute

It is our emotional state that changes how it’s passage feels

The dripping seconds of a boring day or the speed of light when busy 

Seconds, moments, hours, days, weeks, months, years

And what truly changes is ever within us, our thoughts and emotions

Posted in Poetry

Christmas Thoughts

Twas the night before Christmas

And all was peaceful and quiet

That was, until my clamouring mind

Muttering about my struggling diet

The nothing stirring, not even a mouse

Was a good omen, since, otherwise  

Eat that and follow with the whole house!

My brain is that starved for thought beyond food!

Please be of good cheer

For we are nearly there

Even in depths despair

We can strive from here
**** I admit it needs work and is unfinished ****

**** The third verse is not the same ****

****Any suggestions are welcomed! ****

Posted in Daily life

Is this the right cover?

Never judge a book by its cover, or the new one of by its movie! If you do, be prepared for a surprise or shock! 

I was thinking about what people see of me.  I am almost always appearing self assured and yet suffer intense anxiety.  I dress to cover my body and it has nothing to do with what weight I am.  In contrast I look enviously at clothes that would show off my body but am too scared to do so.

Our home is huge and real estate agents were shocked it was ours.  It is my centre but never a show home.  Built for many and yet we rarely have anyone at the house. My depression  and anxiety impact how cared for it is.

My car is now a station wagon size and yet I prefer small cars or scooters!  I love driving it which constantly confuses and surprises me!

The cats that live with me portray accurately how I prefer animals to humans.  Cats can be independent and ßß when needed.

My desire to be human-free is not represented in my special friendships.  Many of these are new in recent years.  The more I understood myself and what I needed the easier it was to find and keep friends.

I always get asked to help.  Like in a supermarket.  I did wonder if I had a sign that encouraged other people to approach me.  I avoid contact and yet will help.
I hold a lot of academic qualifications but am in no way a typical academic.  I can change to meet the situation I am in.  It was part of how I nursed – equal loves of paper work and the bed side care.

So look at any part of me and it may give you a wrong impression of me! I like to think of myself as a wordsmith, eclectic and eccentric.  I a okay just being me! and continue working on that.


Posted in Daily life

Ummm …. no

I got a burst of Christmas spirit when driving to work the other day. The radio advert was extolling the joy of a live Christmas tree.  The description was so good I could smell the pine. I lived this idea, a living memory.

Since “lending” my previous 6ft tree to my brother B.  Then never seeing it again, we had been decoration deficit.  As in the extent of our home looking Christmasy was lego Christmas sets hubby built!!

Now, from the advert, I had this tree in my head. I envisioned keeping it in a pot which would get larger each year until the tree needed to be moved outside.  There it would become a new beloved feature.  I imagined sitting under it, wrapped in past memories, reading a book and making new ones!

Then the advert let me know that I go to the tree farm, pick my tree and they cut it down for me!  Is it just me or does live mean something different they days?  I mean if I apply this meaning of live, then the process of dying begins in the moment of purchase. I select the tree to adorn my home and schedule it’s end date in doing so !

My brother A (heart not blood) has a thing against buying cut flowers.  To him they symbolise buying a dying item that is meant to symbolise a continuation of live or some emotion.  Is the cut flowers message subtly, this too will end?  I am beginning to see his point!

Did I want to purchase this form of “live”?  and yes there are parallels to humans.  From the moment we are born we are in the process of dying. And yes authentic toy cats that meow and poop etc etc  are advertised as live too.  When did live become so plastic?

I know every now and then I get a Facebook message to say so and so is live now.   I always catch myself thinking:  what we’re they before? This is despite knowing what it means.  Are we at a stage where we have over used the word live and in any situation that we no longer appreciate that we are live?  That each day of live is precious?

Needless to say I will not be buying the pseudo “live” tree and be instrumental in hastening it’s death.  I want to celebrate live in the true sense.  Breathing in each moment, savouring it and doing no harm in terms process.

Posted in Daily life

Oh dear!!

Hubby bought me a Nespresso machine and today I hit the boutique in Wellington.   While this was a first for me and I was out of pods, apparently driving two hours each way is normal for Nespresso Members … who knew !!!

So I described how I was having my coffee.  Expresso shot size (40 ml) but in Longi (110 ml) size.  I did not realise the size related to the coffee in the pod.  I did not know this.  what is worse was that once the shock faded in the shop assistant, she informed me I had been stressing my coffee.  

I never thought those three words would go together … stressing my coffee!!  The  shame was palpable!!  I now have two ways to make coffee my way and not “stress my coffee”. I bought some longitude pods too so that I could keep my coffee calm.

Does anyone else find the fact coffee can be stressed . .. well … absurd?  I will dutifully follow the new instructions, just so they don’t kick me out of the club.  What would George  (Clooney) say?

It’s a funny world.  Technology rules ever more of our lives and we change to accommodate them.  Who is in charge of who?

Posted in Daily life

Procrastinators meet here

I was putting off the coursework for my tutoring literacy (and numeracy, but if you know me you will get the emphasis.  Math is not my friend!!). Then on Tuesday I sat down on my bed and spread the research material out.  This was not ideal!  Nor was trying to put my laptop somewhere while balancing the workbooks.  Chicken languishing amid the notes did not help!

So I decided I needed a desk.  I also needed a chair and organisation of my notes etc.  I diligently searched secondhand shops with no avail. Then I tried Warehouse and they did have a plain one for 30.00 but it was featureless.  I got as far as putting it in the trolley and all the way to the checkout before I returned it.  

Lucky I did because I found the perfect desk at the SPCA shop.  So a desk for me and funds for the animals!  The lovely people there broke it down so it fit my car – very kind.  I got my chair at the hospice shop.

I spent the afternoon setting the desk up and organising my files and it all looked great! Now this could be further symptoms of procrastination but since setting it up I have nearly completed my assessments.  I love sitting at my desk and typing away.  Connections to my love of studying returning with happy memories!!

Sometimes old fashioned is just  what is needed!!

Posted in Daily life

The war within

I have been slack in my writing lately and that us in part because I am living on the monent.  However, I have noticed an annoying and alarming habit that I need to stop reocurring.  

I work incredibly hard at losing weight or housework or gardening. But eventually I stop and it all reverts to how it was or worse.  I feel it happening.  I think warnings to stop it but it rolls on over my protests.

I know there are root causes and I need to dig them out, so that the groundwork is there for long term success.  I may need a life coach to teach me longevity in my efforts.

Because I have the discipline to complete the initial thrust of effort and for some time after I know I have the ability and willpower.  I just need the key to what switches those off and keep them on!!

Anyone have similar issues?  or suggestions of remedies?