Poem to a crappy moment or two:

 
 
I am a perfectionist at heart
 
I know you can see it easily
 
Because you went straight at it
 
At that core and attacked me
 
 
 
You said I had done nothing
 
Not a single part of my job
 
And in that moment, in those words
 
My confidence you sought to rob
 
 
 
And I bit, HARD and with bitter hurt
 
I swore and I was pissed off its true
 
Because I let that nasty dig hurt
 
Perfectly aimed, straight at me, by you
 
 
 
I saw that snarky sidewards glance 
 
That attempted to snare another
 
Your web is created lies and acid
 
The good of others seeking to smother
 
 
 
Well you won’t win. not this time, NEVER
 
And when you die alone and bitter still
 
I hope you remember that in good faith
 
We did our job with the utmost skill
 
 
 
You are merely a bad moment or two
 
But the loneliness of being so nasty
 
Lingers for one so utterly sour, as you
 
So now, fade from memory Mr, Dastardly
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Poor PT can only hope for obedience!

I feel bad for my PT (who can’t read this and who is also my workmate!) I keep pushing boundaries rather than simply behaving  myself  (which means following his programme and no meandering!).  So far in training me I have managed to break two ribs – now I was following his programme to the letter but he told me not to train as I had been sick all week and what happens, he barely finishes saying that and bang I know I just snapped some ribs.  This was later confirmed by my doctor … sight.  Thankfullly he didn’t say I told you so … that often … he isn’t that sweet, he definitely said it lol.

So I finally nagged, begged and whined my way back into training.  (I may have said I got nurse clearance and I may not have mentioned that the nurse was me LOL – he hasn’t caught onto me  and my sneaky ways yet!!).  I did some of the old programme and some of the new post rib injury ones and stopped when my ribs complained.  It went okay, if you saw an earlier post I had a wee panic attack on going to the gym for the first time and cancelled my actual training session and then finally talked myself into it later in the day.

Today, my PT wrote me a lovely new programme to respect my healing ribs and keep me progressing forward after a two week complete rest.  I really meant to behave and then my brain wanted to run.  I have an existing injury of osteoarthritis in my knee so running was never great for that injury and then there is my weight, which is slowly reducing.  However, tonight I wanted to run and so I hit the treadmill and managed in a 20 minute walk to do two  2 minute runs at a low level but I ran.

I am not limping a little but satisfied.  I want to run.  It is something I deeply miss.  I rarely feel disabled even when on crutches or using my walker but not being able to run  makes me feel less.  I love running.  It makes me feel free and alive.  I feel less stressed and I just lose myself to the motion.  It is not graceful nor is it pretty and I can actually walk faster than I run but its a part of me that is missing atm and I intend to reclaim it.

I have to break it to my PT yet that I advanced the running part a tad early but I am sure he will cope, he works with me lol he’s used to curve balls.  I will so miss him when he heads to Aussie and hes my long distance PT.  I have to say that his training is not one I have done before (And I have tried many, many things) but I love it.  My arms feel stronger doing the resistance work and I feel the muscles working which I love!!  Yup hes stuck with me lol!!

Love is:

There is a story behind my new love affair of the high heel.  Up till this year I have been ony wearing flats and running shoes.  Then I got this new casual business dress job and I had to wear more dressy shoes, enter the wedge.  I started there and then this pair is my first heel, high heel.   I love these shoes and wore them for their first time today.  They are Kumfs in amazing condition and I only paid $8.00 for them in a secondhand shop!

I feel longer and stronger and just feminine in these shoes.  I now have these, a gray pair, a red pair, a black cloth pair and my latest that I will try tomorrow a gorgeous blue leather which are the highest yet.  Scary but I will up date you on whether or not I break an ankle in them – fingers crossed I do not, as my broken ribs are more than enough at the moment!  Photo of the blue dreamy shoes to come.

I also fell in love with the London Fly shoes that I found in a little boutique shoe shop. These shoes are incredible and I must, simply must have a pair (yeah lets go with A pair).

 

Unbelievable!!

BI have been nagging my PT all week to train me. And I mean all week as we are in the same office, an office of two. Then the day finally comes and I’m chickening out!

I hadn’t realised how much added pain and stress I have been in with my ribs for the last three weeks. But this week it hit me when I realised my paperwork was a mess, or simply MIA or I didn’t remember writing it or not writing it. Which means my fibro was active and giving me the whole fibro fog effect.

Living with fibro you know pain. It’s constant. I have it as the soundtrack of my life but that grinding feeling of my broken ribs edges gliding over each other is something new.

I have never seriously injured myself working out before and I am freaked out. In my work gear having a panic attack on my chair at Home! When I should be warming up at the gym raring to go. I am not gun shy, I am surrender, move into the air raid shelter and baton down the hatches shy.

Ugh!!!

UPDATE:

6 hours after this post I finally get my big girl pants on and force myself to go the the gym.  And yes my ribs niggled but I didn’t bleed from my ears, or have bone protruding out from my ribcage.  Once I relaxed I got back into enjoying it.  I felt the fear and I just did it.  I feel great!!  NOW to be that determined on some other things stressing me out!!

 

 

 

Finally

So three Sundays ago I lost my concentration on the leg press and broke a rib or two, okay definitely two.  The first week I toughed it out.  Went swimming, worked and even worked out and it hurt soooo much.  I finally went to the doctor and yep as I thought snapped like a dry twig.  So for two weeks now I have not worked out and man it has been a right pain. I have gotten stressed out and without working out I turned to comfort eating, blowing all my hard work (this is unconfirmed until tomorrow when I bravely stand on the damn scales once more).  Tomorrow I finally get to work out again!!! Soooo what do I do today?  Aggravate my broken rib working in the jungle that is our “garden” (I so use that term loosely) and hurt both my knees.  Just sign me up for a rest home and reserve me that wheelchair!!

 

That jungle is exactly that every year.  Summer strolls round (or our best try at it! and last year we frigging failed abysmally, let me tell you – it was 8 good summer days and they were not consecutive!!  We kept beating the national rain average – every frigging season, no drought for us we were way beyond soggy into swampy!!),  I never learn.  I get them tidied up and then I let them down and boom summer arrives and hit repeat.  This year I have a full time job so I am going to dedicate some of it to buying mulch and putting in weed mat plus some actual plants in the sadder spots.  I have long suffering roses that have always stuck by me (or their thorns in me – poetic justice?)!  I can just see their blooms slightly ahead of the weeds populating the majority of the garden!!

 

Image result for images of leg press

Image source: http://physicalliving.com/qa-is-the-leg-press-a-safe-exercise-my-answer-may-surprise-you/     I have to go with no on this one!!

Don’t stop being You!

I hurt for you and what you suffer

Not because you can’t bear the burden

But because I wish you didn’t have to

I know you won’t walk away or run

Where others might fear to tread

You settle in and seek to improve

I appreciate that you never lie

That what you say is what you do

I know I can trust you with anything

You give me succor and safety

The freedom to be who I need to be

Moments of such precious safety

After a lifetime of loss and fear

You are the pot at the end

Of that old faded rainbow

That I hunted for so very long

Huddled in the darkest shadows

Buried alive just barely there

You offer me a hand, a kindness

A gentle breeze after enduring

The hurricanes of eternal hell

There may be fires normally

But not for me, I’m special

I get you as my friend

So Don’t Stop Being You

 

I See You

*

In the deepest and darkest night

You choose to look inside yourself

You expect to find a horrid fright

But that is not what you found

*

Instead inside of thee, you see

A strength that is rock solid

Gifting others compassionately

But not in how you treat your self

*

The time has come to look inside

And rather than fail to see reality

Face the spirit from which you abide

Be the YOU that we have always seen

*

Take heart in what we say we see

Deeply ingrained strength in you

Beauty, kindness, strength, honesty

We see the real you and appreciate

*

I see you and wish you could too

How you are outside is just a piece

My love is for the inner you

The beauty that we all see

 

Musings

I lay awake and think of you

Looming close and over me

The dread, the pull, the fear

How not to give in to despair!

 

You come in weakness

You stay when I’m alone

You lurk within the dark

Leaving scars that mark

 

How I totally hate you

Despise you even more

Wish you a fiery end

No magic wand to amend

 

But that is not my reality

For you forever arrive

I can not walk around you

Meeting you is what I rue

 

What or who be you?

Don’t you yet know?

Its the future I fear

And it creeps ever near

 

This is me

Don’t read between the lines

Don’t skip to the back

And definitely, never, ever

Expect expose’ images to view

Because this is me

But only in this moment

In this infinitesimal moment

Before I evolve once more

I have let go of who you judge

To be me, or the me YOU need

I have let go who I want to be

I am simply ME

I wear what makes me smile

Fashion can dictate elsewhere

I don’t wear makeup

For anyone but me

Look away if my visage offends

Today authentically I am me

AT FRIGGING LAST