Hurry up and wait

I am still waiting on the results of my blood tests.  It is a time of wild imaginings of what could be wrong.  Which in some ways could simply be a distraction from hypertension, which I most definitely have.  On the positive I have managed to maintain my eating plan as per Weight Watchers and no matter my mental state I do make it to weekly meetings and “suffer” the weigh in.

For years I have been so out of touch with my own body that I have to be told what is wrong.  For example, an xray told me I had fractured my ankle recently.  It was just one more ache until the xray then I imagined how it should feel and finally connected with that.  It is not a particularly healthy way to live but it has been a way to survive.

I knew my blood pressure was elevated.  Every time I got it taken at any health consultations it was high.  Until the arthritis appointment it was verbally observed.  Now it is monitored and I am on blood pressure pills.  On Monday 01 I have a two week assessment to see if the medication has worked or if I need a stronger dose to lower my blood pressure.  I suck at consistent health care.  I just don’t like doctors and it stresses me out to be the focus of anything so you can imagine how grumpy I am at the moment with having to attend regular appointments.

The Fitbit Charge HR is keeping track of my resting pulse rate and it tells a sad story of a pulse rarely below 90.  Which is a problem as a fast pulse equals a high blood pressure.  So I am working harder on my mindfulness meditation to mitigate the stress induced part of the number.  I am also slowly eliminating one of my depression medications that can cause high blood pressure.  It is slow but sure to regain my health.

I am diligent in my diet plan, tracking every morsel that passes my lips and this should be helping me lose weight and get back into a healthy weight range.  It is all hurry up, before more damage is done, and wait, as in the results that will tell me just how much health trouble I am really in.  I haven’t really had any challenges to this as my brain does well on set plans.  In this I am a trained follower.

I am also working hard around my injuries to up my physical activity.  It is a painful and yet to be rewarding experience.  Sadly, one that I am familiar with.  Which would make you think that it would be easier to navigate, like a well trodden path, however it is not.  I think that I manage to make potholes and piles of rubble to traverse.  If self sabotage had an Olympic medal I could well be a shoe in!!!

It feels like my creativity is circling the drain that is my health.  As in my imagination is happily engaged in worse case scenario’s.  I am used to this facet of my mind but it is damn annoying.  So I just wait, which is not one of my strong suits.  Tomorrow on the pretense of cancelling part of an appointment I am hoping they will say, come in we have news!  Which is better than not knowing.  If I know I can work with it, not knowing is driving me batty.

I think that hubby is trying to distract me with home renovations (or kill me).  I am pulling up carpet, emptying a room and now hes added painting the downstairs walls to my lists.  I work till my breathing is too compromised, rest and start again.  Hubby says rest, let the medications help but that is how I got in this mess in the first place.  So I push my limits like I always do but hopefully more mindfully this time…


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