Letter to your best friend 

Dear C.T.

I hope this letter finds you and your family well and that your new home suits them and your ambitions.  I miss our friendship more than I thought I would.  Or rather, I miss the memory of what can never be again.  So I thought I would write and tell you my thoughts.

The fabric of our friendship is best described as eccentric, much like you.  I learnt early on that to be your friend was to acknowledge that I was going to be front and centre to some of the most embarrassing moments of my life.  I believed that this embarrassment was worth the enjoyment I found in your company.

When your wife was away I kept you company and we studied together.  I still remember our last walk alongside the riverbank, just talking on everyday topics.  There was never much silence between us.  When my hubby was away you kept my anxiety under control and helped me renovate hubby’s office as a welcome home treat.

Some of my fondest memories are from Scott’s classes.  The three of us would talk and walk Scott back to his car.  We shared the grief of losing his presence in the world.  I am so proud that you are pursuing your Masters, I know you can do it if you can find a school that can accept your non – conventional approach, well, to pretty much anything.

We did correspond for a while after you moved overseas but eventually distance caused more separation than any effort to remain intact.  What really broke the thread of friendship was the way that you approached a writing project for Scott that I helped get you invited to.  I was offended by what you wrote because I felt responsible for your potential inclusion.

What you wrote was all you, but this writing project was not about or for you, it was not a place for off colour humour or slang.  I had thought that for something this important you would, for once, conform in order to honour the person it was written about.  You did not. If nothing else I would want you to learn that sometimes you have to subsume your ego in order to gain the acceptance you needed to have your words included.

I was going to edit your work into academic shape because I recognised what you were trying to say, just the wording was inappropriate.  The essence of your content was meaningful and important and should be included, but why did you write it the way you did?  I didn’t edit your work because I shouldn’t have needed to.

At this time I do not know if your work made the final book.  You had one last chance with the editor to write an academically accepted chapter.  I hope so but I am not convinced that you would let your ego go long enough to write in the manner required and expected. It is like you wear your eccentricity as a cloak, just this once I wanted you to take it off.

I said a more glib response to your writing because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings but I realised in that moment, that the reverse was not true.  I was finding my feelings were getting hurt by what you said and it was not helping my depression and anxiety.   Sadly, your throwaway comments often instigated a low mood.

You were my best friend for about 3 years and those years will always mean a lot to me. But it came time to let the memory go because the reality was painful.  We just didn’t work as friends anymore.  So I miss what we had, recognise it as no longer possible and chose to leave what had become an unhealthy friendship.

I often think of you.  I hope that you remember our friendship steeped in good memories with the final closure just a part of the passage of life.  Though this friendship was fleeting it was an important chapter in the story of my life

Thank you

Your friend in memory

Samantha

 

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