Appearances can lie …

Day 28 —You read about yourself in your brother/sister, girlfriend/boyfriend’s diary.  What did you read?

Dear Diary,

Sam was supposed to meet me in town for a coffee.  I got there early but she never came at all.  I don’t know why I am surprised she hates crowds and this is a busy cafe.  But she sounded so sure that she could do it this time and she picked the cafe.  I know that its hard for her but shes having counselling I just don’t see how she has so much trouble.  I mean we are family, how can it be hard to meet one of us?

She never used to have these problems.  When I see her at our parents she just looks as she always has.  I just don’t understand and we have grown so far apart that I don’t know how to just come out and ask her.  I would hate to make “it” worse.  I guess that all that I can do is keep trying.  Maybe next time I will see if she wants to come here or I can go to her place.

Writers note:  

I am not sure that is exactly how my brother would write about our relationship.  I am not even sure he has a diary.  He is more verbal in his communication and can grumble at having to text.

I do think its sad that we rarely talk and yet are only 20 minutes apart.  A lot of it is my mental state and our shared grief over his daughter’s death.  It made it painful to see each other or rather, this is some of the why that I think contributes to it.

Time passes and I guess you just get used to the separation and it becomes even harder over time to resolve the distance.  We do see each other at family events ( I can usually make myself go to them because my family are important to me).

Anxiety and depression can be invisible.  One moment I can be perfectly fine talking to anyone.  But in another I can struggle with a panic attack in my own home with just me and hubby present.  It doesn’t seem to matter to me what the situation is or who is present I can just struggle sometimes and not others.

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