Day 26: How is your day-to-day life effected by your mental illness(es)?
Depression is currently having the greatest impact on my day to day life. At its worst I pretty much stay in bed and sleep life away. If I move rooms it is to go from the bedroom to the lounge and a continuation of laying around. Depression strongly impacts on my motivation by lowering it to the extent that I can struggle to maintain basic self care. Thankfully the new medication is reducing the incidences of devastating depressive periods. I would still like to hit it a bit harder and reduce the debilitating periods of depression completely.
My anxiety is largely under control with Quetiapine. When it spikes I can use meditation and if that doesn’t work I have the PRN Xanax available. I mainly try to manage it without medication. I find that anxiety keeps depression and suicidal thoughts at bay. I am worried that I get a lot of high blood pressure readings. I will be addressing that this year with weight loss and monitoring. I used to use stress to work faster and more efficiently but I lost control of it and now it just burns me out.
I find I am quicker to anger when I am stressed. Frustration or impatience become straight out temper outbursts. Usually they are aimed at me but I can yell at innocent objects and hubby if he is in range. I can not stand in that moment being told to calm down. That is like adding kerosene to an already burning flame!!
My agoraphobia is weird. I think because it is a fairly new diagnosis I am still coming to grips with it. Anxiety has always been with me and I am discovering that so has depression, I just refused to accept it as such. I can leave the house alone but prefer being with hubby. I do not like crowds or being stuck in a room. I do believe that I am naturally shy and introverted and that increases my discomfort at being away from home. I can appear to be coping even when distressed at being away from home.
I am learning more skills to living in the moment and remaining calm. Living in the past reduces my serenity and fearing the future can amp up my anxiety. Not letting the actions or the words of other people get to me is a major objective of this year. I am being more strategic with my interactions with other people. When I am faced with an opinion that is new or the opposite to what I think, I now question the source and their state of mind, as well as check it with hubby and A.
I will no longer allow other people to threaten what I have worked so hard to achieve and if that results in ending friendships, then that is what has to happen. I am putting “me” first this year, not in a selfish or detrimental way but checking in that what I am doing or hearing is “safe” for me. I am not sure the other person might agree but I guess I am more conscious of what I need and that is a positive thing for me. I am not going to remain in a friendship if it has become painful to me and if I am only remaining in that relationship to “help” them. They can get help from professionals or someone else.