I was upset yesterday after the knee surgery pre – screening. I didn’t learn anything that I hadn’t already considered but I guess hearing it from a health professional made it more real. I have some functional deficits, more than I was aware of. Things like putting on my socks are a challenge. I am aware that it is not merely the dysfunction of my knee but the fact that I am obese as well. I realised how much of my everyday tasks that I have adapted to cater for my left knee weakness. In that realisation I acknowledged that my right leg was bearing a lot of the strain and eventually it would fail.
I got a new pair of crutches and a reminder to use them. They differ from the crutches that I use in being a straight hand hold not a moulded hand one. The moulded one hurts the joint between my thumb and first finger. Not just when I needed to be more stable in my walking but to give my legs the support to walk correctly and therefore save myself further injury. It is hard at the moment. My left knee gives out at about 15 minutes of walking. My left ankle 7 weeks off a hairline fracture injury remains very tender and lasts even less time than my knee. It makes the exercise that I can do quite limited and only in short bursts.
The protocol for knee replacement surgery is that the person has to have a Body Mass Index (BMI) of 40, mine is a great deal more than that. I am obese as per clinical guidelines. Writing it makes it more real somehow and sharing it on my blog even more so. I feel more accountable in the public acknowledgment. I know that when I lose weight my knees will be under less strain and should hurt a lot less.
I have tried other diets with varying successes. The physiotherapist at the knee clinic suggested Weight Watchers as an effective means of losing weight and sustaining that loss. So I signed up today and attended my first meeting. I wasn’t shocked at the weigh in but I was saddened when I think of all the work I had put in a few short years ago and now I am at my heaviest. I must not compare to the past because it will hinder what I am trying to do in the now.
I am treating my issues with eating like I would any other addiction. I will fully engage in meetings and use the online tools effectively. Hubby is very supportive and will eat some of the same foods that I will. I am not able to do much in the way of exercise but I can meet the targets with my stretch programme, yoga and housework. I have been pretty sedentary up until now so any exercise is an improvement.
I had a high blood pressure reading at the assessment which could have been the stress of the assessment, being with strangers and being looked at, as well as the pain I was in. However, I had taken a Xanax so it could have been higher if I hadn’t. I will need to keep an eye on my blood pressure as I can be under a huge amount of stress and that might mean I am developing hypertension. I do not want or need another diagnosis at the moment.
I had a great hissy fit in the evening when I was alone. Everything just overwhelmed me and I just lost my temper. The cry helped by reducing the internal stress that I was barely aware of till that moment. The hissy fit was precipitated by my having some difficulty with the computer programme I was working with and not being able to do the 30 day writing challenge. I cooled off enough to be able to go to bed and slept the mood off.
I woke up this morning with a renewed sense of control of my life. I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting and I managed to participate without too much anxiety. As this day draws to a close I have been successful in my food and fit tracker.
I know that I will probably need my knee/s replaced but I wasn’t ready. Being ineligible because of weight and age (after 50 is more desirable) gives me time to find my way. Both in the weight that I need to lose and in the length of time that my knee/s can keep going before requiring replacement.