Day 17: If you could get rid of your mental illness(es) would you? Why or why not?
If I got rid of my mental illnesses who would I be? I am thinking of returning to their genesis and preventing the conditions that created each of them. In that instance there are a lot of questions, like: Would I be someone that could have empathy with the people who were suffering mental illnesses? Would I be willing to listen to them when they spoke through their illness, spilling lies in an effort to keep me engaged to feel the connection denied them in much of their lives? Would I see through the lies and see the person suffering beneath them? Would I care enough to even try? Would I like the person I was? Would I have married or even met Chad? There are endless questions. Getting rid of my mental illnesses before they start is a huge leap into the unknown.
The second way would be to remove them from me now, but leave everything else intact. Not sure how that would work but it might leave my basic personality founded in the mental illness causes but remove the insatiable suffering. It would certainly make my life a lot easier. I could trust myself, I could hold down a job, forge a career, breathe easily, be medication free … This would be the option I would chose. Not to lose the lessons that having the mental illnesses gave me but losing the eternal suffering they bring with them.
I would love to be free of my mental illnesses but they have taught me that nothing is free. I am not sure I would want to pay the cost for them disappearing. I am not even sure that all the consequences of that would be able to be discerned prior to accepting the gift of inner peace. I wish it were and it came with an iron clad consequence guarantee but it doesn’t. So I will continue being me, mental illnesses included.