What is worse? worsening? worst?

Day 11: What is the worst thing in regard to your mental illness(es)?

This seems so easy, having them is the worst thing about me mental illnesses.  Feeling no hope, wanting to hide from the world and even the morning, wanting to be alone but needing to be held.  Not to mention wanting support but craving privacy, wanting understanding but getting judgement, wanting to be “normal” but having no real concept of how to get there bar as a thin disguise.  Lets not forget the symptoms, stressing when in public or even the hall of your home at the thought of going out, shaking with the effort to not appear nervous, let alone in the midst of a panic attack, stuttering because the voices of the past are interrupting your need to converse sensibly with someone, hypervigilence and waiting for the next assault.

So having any form of mental illnesses can be the worst.  The individual experience, the societal judgement, the stigma attached, the assumptions about functioning and any other aspect of the illness and what results as a consequence of it.  But not just for myself, for those that know and worry for and about me, as well as those who don’t know and wonder what the hell at my behaviour, coldness or bursts of frustration.  It is all just hard at times beyond challenge into all consuming and I live and breathe it each and every second that passes.


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