Day Two: How do you feel about your diagnosis?
Sadly it should read how do I feel about my diagnoses, as in multiple. I listed them all yesterday (https://shadowrealities.me/2016/01/04/30-day-challenge/) and I noticed that the consequence of doing so was that I spent the evening “out of sorts”. I thought I had accepted them. That I accepted that I had at the least those diagnoses. I also thought I had accepted that I was letting other people know about them in this, for me, a very public release to my various social media sites. I was kidding myself, I got mindlessly angry with nothing and everything. I was just angry.
PTSD has been my shadow for a very long time. I am not only used to it, it has become my “excuse” so to speak for anything that goes wrong. I don’t mean excuse, as in I used PTSD as a way to avoid being responsible for something. Instead, I used PTSD as the rationale for what was wrong with me, no matter the circumstances. Which meant that I largely ignored the growing problems of depression especially, but also anxiety.
I ‘felt’ like PTSD was an honourable condition that I did not need to be ashamed of. But somehow I did feel shame when I experienced depression or I acknowledged that my anxiety was not under my control. I know it makes little sense but its true that some diagnoses I could accept in relation to myself and others I could not. I may have unconsciously accepted the stereotypes of the mental health community.
I guess I feel like I earned PTSD for what I suffered and that the label is a badge of honour. Even more simply, the symptoms of PTSD are a mirror image to what I have suffered. It seems right that what I went through should have a label. For some reason, I felt like depression was not earned and it was just a weakness that I should be able to flick off like a pesky fly.
I have always been anxious, so I don’t really feel anything about it. I would say that I just accept it and am glad that it is easing back with the help of medication as I am no longer able to use it to my advantage like I once did. I am not saying my thinking or feeling is normal I am just trying to share it.
Overall, I feel disabled because of these and the physical health diagnoses I also have that these contributed and contribute to. I have never felt disabled before I have always felt it gave me the ability to understand what others ran from or jeered at. Now, I feel it, be that my age or finally accepting what was happening for me and then really feeling it. No suppression or repression or denial. So this is how I feel. I hope it wasn’t too boring or confusing.
Please ask questions and/or share your story.
Thanks for reading.