Posted in 30 Day Challenge

Is how I feel, how I understand?

MIA challenge

 

Day Two:   How do you feel about your diagnosis?

Sadly it should read how do I feel about my diagnoses, as in multiple.  I listed them all yesterday (https://shadowrealities.me/2016/01/04/30-day-challenge/) and I noticed that the consequence of doing so was that I spent the evening “out of sorts”.  I thought I had accepted them.  That I accepted that I had at the least those diagnoses.  I also thought I had accepted that I was letting other people know about them in this, for me, a very public release to my various social media sites.  I was kidding myself, I got mindlessly angry with nothing and everything.  I was just angry.

PTSD has been my shadow for a very long time.  I am not only used to it, it has become my “excuse” so to speak for anything that goes wrong.  I don’t mean excuse, as in I used PTSD as a way to avoid being responsible for something.  Instead, I used PTSD as the rationale for what was wrong with me, no matter the circumstances.  Which meant that I largely ignored the growing problems of depression especially, but also anxiety.

I ‘felt’ like PTSD was an honourable condition that I did not need to be ashamed of.  But somehow I did feel shame when I experienced depression or I acknowledged that my anxiety was not under my control.  I know it makes little sense but its true that some diagnoses I could accept in relation to myself and others I could not.  I may have unconsciously accepted the stereotypes of the mental health community.

I guess I feel like I earned PTSD for what I suffered and that the label is a badge of honour.  Even more simply, the symptoms of PTSD are a mirror image to what I have suffered.  It seems right that what I went through should have a label.  For some reason, I felt like depression was not earned and it was just a weakness that I should be able to flick off like a pesky fly.

I have always been anxious, so I don’t really feel anything about it.  I would say that I just accept it and am glad that it is easing back with the help of medication as I am no longer able to use it to my advantage like I once did.  I am not saying my thinking or feeling is normal I am just trying to share it.

Overall, I feel disabled because of these and the physical health diagnoses I also have that these contributed and contribute to.  I have never felt disabled before I have always felt it gave me the ability to understand what others ran from or jeered at.  Now, I feel it, be that my age or finally accepting what was happening for me and then really feeling it.  No suppression or repression or denial.  So this is how I feel.  I hope it wasn’t too boring or confusing.

Please ask questions and/or share your story.

Thanks for reading.

 

 

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Author:

I was 46 years old when I begun this blog, female and married with a house full of cats (7). My past is littered with the impact of events that happened when I was a teen. Two loves of my life have been nursing and studying. I just completed my Master of Arts: Media Studies endorsement. My blog will be about the things I think about, that might be better served being written rather than squirreled away in my mind festering. It is the meanderings of my mind as I seek to define myself and my world.

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