Finding the Twirl

I went into town today with the intention of buying two items.  I got one of them and completely forgot the other one.  But what I found was a dress, that when I put it on I felt young and flirty in it.  I left the dressing room to show hubby and in that public place, I twirled.


It may not look much on this hanger but it is incredible the feeling it gives me in it.  I will post one of me in it when I wear it out on Monday (it is Saturday here now). 

Neither me nor hubby can ever remember me twirling or leaving a dressing room so happy.  That includes when I had lost 30kg, previously.  I did leave dressing rooms happier thinner, but this was an even better feeling.  I felt good at my current size – in a dress – amazing.

I am not built for dresses.  I have been told that separates look better on me.  I am tall but I am overweight and a long top can cover what I need it to.  Especially the bulges that form my tummy and can be really visible in a dress.  I normally bulk up my clothing as a camouflage of my insecurity as much as my body.

The problem is I love dresses and unlike my love of shoes, the only thing stopping me is my fear.  I do not really see my body in mirrors.  It is like the past shrouds it and I get a fragmented image.  I can see it in photos and can be quite shocked at the difference to what the mirror showed compared to the photo.

It has led to my having low confidence on dressing and I often throw on a top and track suit pants or jeans.  I hide any shape I have.  I am working on my self esteem, response to compliment or criticism and how they impact on my mood. What I wear is part of that.

I fear looking good in case I am raped again.  I know this is illogical but it is stuck in my thinking. To counter this, I am wearing dresses and just focussing on how I feel in what I am wearing.  I am dragging my dresses out of the back of the wardrobe and fixing what needs to be done for the fit.  I wear them.

In regards to compliments, my counselor says I can not ask the person with the compliment for me, why they had to comment?  In the past compliments have stopped me exercising or dieting because they tell me I am looking better.  Beginning the process of me fearing a negative response, eg.  rape.

The past stalks through my life in ways like my fear response to compliments. It will be a slow process to change/reset everything but finding a dress that makes me want to twirl is an amazing start.



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