Some days …

Background: 

I have this book I work through.  “Live This Book!” By Tom Chatfield.  It is full of activities to orient you to the here and now.  You can write in it and it becomes like a shared journey, with the book recording your stops.  This quote jumped out at me:

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It says, ” no one ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and they are not the same person” (referenced to Heraclitus).

Content:

I am upset about a discussion I had yesterday with a close friend.  I was trying to explain how I felt and why.  I will not include details of the discussion as they are extremely personal.  I felt one way on a discussion we had a few months ago, with my worry not abated, while they had forgotten it.  My “bringing” it up seemed to make them feel more likely to act on what we discussed than if it was not discussed at all.

I have repressed so much in my life, that I try now to be as open as possible.   I am worried and I know all the reasons why.  Trying to explain it I come out sounding narcissistic, with everything about me.  But that could be because I had not thought about it enough to understand what was happening myself, to be able to explain it to them.

I worry about people that are important to me.  I always have.  I want to make their life better.  In the past that is as far as I would go.  I would certainly not think about my whys and analyse them.  If I thought what I was thinking would upset them I would remain silent.  Maybe I should have been silent yesterday but I wasn’t.

So who is right?  Yes the discussion is about a piece of their life, in the past for them but current for me.  Yes they are potentially mad at me or were when we were talking yesterday.  And yes I am feeling sick about it today.  Put all that feeling aside and what is left?

My thinking is potentially flawed.  Part of PTSD is difficulty forming and keeping relationships.  I could blame that and it does have its part.  But my problem is whether I have a right to my worry about them?  Or are they right that the only problem is me and my thinking?

When you start analysing everything to ensure you are your authentic self, it just gets messy.  I sometimes think how much easier it was when I “hermited” and really only focused on the cats.  But then I would have missed the depths this friendship has provided and offers. I don’t know the answers – do you?

Some days I should just hide in bed.

The relation to the quote is that while the river might be changing,  some of the situations, I find or create, make me think  that I am not.  The same patterns form my thinking and in doing so form what happens.  Replaying them only leads to one outcome and the other person involved has limited opportunity to change that outcome in the face of my patterns.

So if I talk to my friend before I sort this, the same argument will coalesce and the outcome.  I don’t even know if there is a right.  Our diverse point of views are derived in our experiences.   Maybe it just comes down to trust.  Something I am not proficient at.

Thanks for reading.  I hope that made sense.  Please share your thoughts.  I would appreciate it.

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