This title is out of drafts. I heard it somewhere and I really liked it as an exploration starting point.
Paralysis by Analysis
In much of my counselling I have been encouraged to analyse how I feel, how I think and how I act. It can be very wearying analysing so much. I sometimes miss the confidence of acting with what my gut thinks, without second guessing if it is really a thought that I own or is it being influenced by the past?
It is paralysing not knowing if what I am considering is simply the right decision or is unduly being influenced by the events of the past. I can quite literally spend hours trying to unweave the threads that are me, from those that are “bad” influences or lies from the past.
Now, you might think I would regret starting this journey. But I do not because every decision I make now no matter how labouriously is all mine. There are no tendrils from the conditioning I underwent at the hands of the man who raped and tortured me.
I had habits from that abuse that determined many past decisions. One is requiring evidence of love, like gifts, even from my hubby. Requiring presents to be “perfect” for me, when in reality there was no real me at that time so how could they get it right? I now know that this need is from how little my rapist gave me, when I literally gave him everything. I have worked hard on this one over time but can still feel like I am not enough.
I don’t regret the journey, o.k. maybe how slow it has been in places. I am not at the destination yet (and it may never end if I am lucky) but I have new life rules. They include :
- Being the authentic me all the time, being mindful helps with that.
- Doing the best I can in any moment (and it does not have to be perfect)
- To learn from every minute, even when it hurts
- To stop looking back and keep being in the now
There will undoubtedly be more as the journey continues. My life in the past has good times, never doubt that, but it was sustained by a thin underlying web of lies. A web that stretched so far had to break eventually. Those lies include:
- I am alright
- I am not depressed
- I can do this no matter the cost
- I am normal
- etc etc etc
Mostly I lied to myself about my reality, but also to others to hide how it really was for me. It enabled me to be successful but the cost was not buried as deeply as I had thought it was. The lie to myself was often simply ( well not that simple really) suppressing emotion that got in my way or pain or anything that might stop my forward travel.
The path behind littered in those supposedly forgotten “issues”. But the soles of my feet and my soul carried the fragments of those “issues” and they continued to poke at me from within my skin, before eventually being stabs that took my breath away and stopped everything.
Come walk with me and share your journey too. I would love to hear about it.