My knees hurt

My knees hurt…

I went to physiotherapy today to help my knees continue to function.  They both have osteo – arthritis and the left knee is now failing at times, causing falls and a sharp horrific pain.  I have trouble experiencing pain as the long period of fibromyalgia has taught me to suppress pain in order to do what I want or need to.  A broken bone feels the same to me as a bruising and I can have trouble isolating precisely where my pain is.  I am working on changing this with the incorporation of a daily body scan and other meditation techniques.  I want to do consciously what I have done subconsciously, with the option of doing so or not.  Contributing to my knee injuries is the years of not noticing the pain I was experiencing.  This meant I would run on potential injuries blithely unaware.  I just absorbed the pain and carried on. This is no longer possible as I choose to be live in the moment and be in tune with my mind and body.

I am overweight.  I rationally know I need to lose weight.  Aesthetically, I want to lose weight as I prefer the clothing choices available at a smaller size.  Losing weight with a focus on gaining flexibility would help my knees.  There are hundreds of reasons for losing weight – and yet I don’t.  I know I am capable of doing so as I have done so in the past with varying success.  While my mind knows all of this it is also challenged with the medication I am on, the pain I am trying to recognise and my mood/mental state.  Simply, put wanting to or needing to are simply words my mind is yet to action, despite the ongoing awareness of the necessity.

I have an appointment for a potential knee replacement consideration next month. I am working out what I “think” about this.  I feel guilt for failing to know my knees were suffering and that I was causing them more injury with my choices and inactivity.   Rationally, if function continues to fail I will take the option of surgery but I am not going to do so for pain.  I can manage the pain, it is a lesson for me on how to go forward and the relationship between my body and mind.

I am also uncomfortable in considering removing a part of me and replacing it – it feels like it is being abandoned.  I feel like I need to know where that joint is if it is not in me.  I may need to bury it or do something rather than just leave it to the hospital for their disposal choice.  I am not sure I want to see it though and overall these thoughts worry me.  I am yet to really know what my soul needs in this (or sadly many things).

Compounding my concerns about surgery is that my heart stops under anesthetic, or has in the past.  With the weight and this, surgery is always going to be an iffy proposition.  I am a control freak and struggle to appreciate being unconscious while someone is cutting me.  I also have a tendency to say that there is a nurse at home to care for me, to what amounts to escaping as soon as possible – I am that nurse and our house has stairs – this may not be effective in this instance.

There are many “past experiences” impacting on this from every angle, complicating what, for others is a simple decision.  I have “issues” with many things in the medical world, not least that they drive me insane focussing on pain when I concentrate on function, mainly because of my troubled relationship with pain and being able to express it.

I went to physiotherapy to strengthen the muscles around my knee / knees and stave off the replacement for as long as possible.  So at the moment my knee is in screaming pain and I am distracting myself from that while not suppressing it – let me tell you that this is not frigging easy.  I persevere to sort things out.  It can be overwhelming but I just keep going, like so many of us.

I am sure much of this is an odd read to many people.  But for someone trying to re connect with themselves it is important and this situation is posing both new – to – me questions and lessons going forward.

Can anyone who has had a knee replacement, let me know how that was for them.

I have many non – medical questions and would love a conversation about this.

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