This is the view from my bed through my bedroom window today. It was the middle of the day but taking it into the sun made it dark. I really like this photo because I could see a metaphor in it for how I am currently feeling. On my phone, that I took it on, the foreground of my bed was darker, less distinguishable and it made me think of how my life feels at the moment. I feel dark and when I look out of the absorption in my mind I see some flickers of hope, which the brighter white light symbolises. I liked the blurring effect of that white light because it wasn’t concrete or exact and that is what hope is like for me at the moment, it can be fleeting in my consciousness before disappearing and leaving me feeling despairing and alone.
Other features I liked was that to get to the outside there are visible and invisible barriers. I can feel like that as I try to negotiate the maze of my mind. There is differing barriers symbolised in the boundaries of the window and the palings of the balcony fence. It can be like that some days. What felt like a barrier today could simply be reshaped tomorrow and the approaches I took to mitigate it today or even an hour ago no longer apply. I can feel like my mind spends much of its time seeking new ways to make me stumble or leave me feeling defeated. The frustration being that the enemy within is way more crafty than any eternal one.
I love this view. There is a white blob that I know is the neighbours house but other than that it is simply the nature outside my windows. The invisible barrier is the access to that nature. Which is of course the windows themselves but when really clean they are barely visible. I love looking out this window and seeing the cows that often dot the hill and the window framing effect of the trees. I know I can’t just walk into that nature, practically because I am on the second storey and much of that nature is across the road and on private farmland.
I feel like I am living a life bordered by private farmland. It means I can only access the limitations of my mind because to go outside is against the rules. If I am being stubborn its against the rules because its private land I don’t own but the reality is it is my unconscious rules. I don’t feel able to walk outside. I just want the safety of my house but now it is even more limited as each day it becomes more about being in my mind so where my body actually is, is becoming less and less relevant.
I feel some days that I am alone in the world and it is a world that is ever growing more and more unfamiliar to me. As time passes I forget what working a full day is like and the sense of accomplishment that comes with it. I forget how to talk to people because I spend most of my time alone. In fact, with the new medication to deal with the symptoms of my depression and anxiety, I spend most of my night and days asleep. Maybe I am like sleeping beauty and instead of a kiss I need some sort of magic cure that sends the symptoms far from my mind and thus my life.
I keep plodding along and I will continue to do so because of that glimpse of hope shown in the white light. That comes from the people who read my blog and make me smile. My family and friends who are just there for me and always have been. The groups I belong to who have members that share their own struggles and we work together to help one another have an easier life and reach for a better future.
Thanks for reading my ramblings, I may return to this and tease out more of what I intended to explore. Feel free to comment as they are much appreciated.