Suppression to recovery


Under my skin, hidden in the recesses of my mind is my reality

On my face shows the reality that I believe society demands of me

Or the appearance of ‘normal’ that I want people to consider me as

But it is very tiring hiding the true reality from everyone, even myself


It is time to change, to end the sham, to stop the suppression

Just like a butterfly exiting the cocoon, I am choosing to break free

But rather than natural is is a ‘me – made’ cage long established

That I choose to emerge from, no more hiding from my reality


The steps are slow and repetitive, inserting new healthier habits

Recovery is not merely dealing with the symptoms of now

But also the remnants of the past and how I previously managed

Suppressing to appear ‘normal’ is no longer a viable option


I lean on my hubby and friends, my counselor and pain specialist

I take on board their advice and very importantly, their observations

I am so numb, after years of suppression, that I do not always know

What I am feeling be it depressed, anxious, happy or bored


It is not easy, getting used to sharing my reality with others

At the same time learing to share it with myself, as well

Hiding from the negative emotions has also cost me the positive

I now seek balance, of both the negative and positive emotions


I like the idea of being the chessboard, not one of the pieces in conflict

Life is not simply black or white, neither am I, I need to learn to hold all

Not be defined, controlled or labelled by one emotional state or another

But simply have them flow over my skin and mind, transient mood states


In this process I seek to discover my true identity, none hidden

I want my emotions flowing, none anchoring their control over me

I want to be comfortable, no matter the mood I am in at any time

I want to know how I am feeling, so I have a choice for response


This journey is just beginning for me, as it has for many others

In the seemingly simple decision to change how I live my life

I support that objective by learning what I can about myself

Open to therapy or discussion that leads to greater understanding

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