Normally CBT stands for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which I am currently working through for past issues that still negatively influencing my life. But I am looking at it in a different way and redefining it as Combat Battle Training. This is an internal war that is now mediated by a trained CBT counselor.
The combatants are my past, led by memories and experiences versus my current situation which does not need to be lead by the past and would do better from a neutral position. The past is a well armed opponent as the bitter memories have nested within my mind, taken root and branch out into situations that they really do not relate bar my being a participant. The current situation is in a defensive position surrounded by the enemy. It faces attacks from the past with the burden of pain and bitterness that it brings with it, joined by the insecurity or simple fear of where to now with employment and my life etc.
It is a ruthless war where a victory can result in pain and suffering for both sides. The past doesn’t want to give up its choices and what it learnt in the face of new experiences that challenge its absolute position. But the current situation benefits from some of the choices and what was learnt but has to pick what is kept and listened to. It is an internal minefield that even I do not know the safest route through.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is helping as I am learning to do neutral exploration detached from judgement or equally deadly, emotion. As the initial writing demonstrates, it is detached enough to allow analysis that could prove to be helpful, rather than condemning. I am beginning to apply it whenever I feel the slide back into the old habits that keep me restricted from fully living.
Up to now my defense position against my increasing inability to manage my stress was to close my external world down until there is nothing that triggers the associated crippling anxiety but it has had horrific cost. I had begun living more within my mind and there lies danger as it swirls with unresolved pain, anger, bitterness and sadness. All waiting for their moment to drench my system and narrow my choices even more.
So I am clawing my way back to a different reality. One that is more engineered to managing what is actually happening, utilising the effective information and gently ignoring that which is an old reality and isn’t. This blog and my poems on Poetizer help with that – as I am getting the “poison” or whatever it is, out rather than leaving it festering internally. Which was one of the original aims of my starting this blog.
Hope you enjoy coming along for my journey and thanks for sharing yours.