I began this on December 12, 2014.  It was the impetus to a lot of changes that are still occurring in my life.   I am going through my drafts folder in an attempt to publish or perish the content.

I haven’t written much this week.  My anxiety has become so intrusive that it is absorbing all my energy, leaving very little for creativity.  Lately I have been unable to go to things I would normally and that I enjoy. Most critical was missing a meeting for a book that I am contributing to.  I just couldn’t make myself.  But it is interrupting every day activities too, like getting panic attacks in the supermarket.

I find myself spending more and more time alone at home,  Even hubby’s calming presence isn’t having the impact that would normally bolster me to do things.  He is amazing and I do feel better with him nearby, but sadly even this is not denting my self imposed isolation.  I am even unable to attend the gym in case other people are there.  Overall I have not been coping.

I got a job interview for a pretty good job.  Very part time but better than nothing.  I got so stressed out in the wait for the interview that I felt like my brain was going to explode.

So the update to this draft is:

I didn’t make it to the interview and I began treatment for the anxiety.  I am in a much better place today but it is an ongoing battle to make sure my past no longer controls my now or future.  Part of the package that I am being offered under my sensitive claim could include Occupational Therapy to help me find and keep a job.

I did manage to write the chapter for the book celebrating my lecturer and it is what I wanted to write.  I cry when I read it and it made the editor cry as well (she is also his widow).  The emotional impact was my barometer for whether it was any good or not.  I have lost the ability to discern if my own writing is any good.

The panic attacks have reduced but I had to stop the medication because of the negative impact it was having.  I am finally back at the gym, slithering in late at night and often alone my whole workout.

I have found that I had built a world of limited triggers as self defense.   This meant rarely leaving my house and if so rarely alone.  Barely communicating with anyone other than my hubby.  Doing nothing that might create stress which meant on some days doing nothing.

I am now trying to return to a more external world and will continue to blog my journey when I can.

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