Seeking clarity


I am not sure what to write about today or yesterday as noted by the absence of a post. I thought it was because I had nothing to say. The previous glasses and spider posts evolved from their content being something I was strongly focused on at the time and it stirred memories related to them. Writing subsequently flowed with very little editing before posting. This led me to think that I currently didn’t have anything that I wanted or was compelled to share. However, the reality is that I had so many things on my mind none rose to the top for me to focus on and build into a singular post. All of the things I was stressed over or worried about or dealing with were all pressing me for their time in my thought processes. I would start writing about one topic and it would bleed into another and then another. It just wasn’t working and I gave up. In future, I will continue to organise the writing until I have a post to publish because in doing so I will clarify my thoughts (hopefully it won’t be too boring for the reader).

The problem with choosing and isolating a single theme for a post, mirrors a problem I find in my thought processes. Rather than being able to keep individual thoughts separated and with appropriate emotional responses they all feel like the same intense level of stress. Whats more the memories of the past join with those of the present and bring their own degree of emotion. It can be hard for me to determine if the emotion I am feeling is for the current situation or if it is amplified through the echo of a the past one. I have no ability to differentiate between the thoughts, to determine the degree to which they should influence my life now. For me, being late to a meeting can be as traumatic as being involved in a car accident. When hubby says everything stresses me, currently he is right, as everything literally can create stress for me.

This post was a lot longer but I managed to pare it down to the previous two paragraphs. It may be too sparse now but I believe that the essential initial thread is present. This will definitely be a work in progress with my returning to it to clarify and define it even more precisely, as much for myself as for anyone reading it. Along the way I would like to be able to untangle the now habitual generic response in my thinking to one that is more rationale and individualistic. The hope being that I can reduce my stress and to have actual, realistic causes when it occurs. I believe that knowing how my mind works and why, should help me address the flaws in either or both of these. I realise a lot of how I think and react is habitual tied into a survival response required in the past. That response is dysfunctional and it is time I took control. Finally and fully leaving the past and all the influencing tendrils evolving from what happened, behind me.

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  1. Unfortunately for people with PTSD the negative impacts of the past are the dominant ones, They are like a rose thorn, they get embedded and while you think you got it all out, the part you missed remains deep in the skin. It festers over time and infects additional systems. Effective treatment depends on the ability to discern their causative presence.

    Its like my ongoing war with being overweight, I know I feel safer over weight because I won’t be attractive and therefore risk being raped again. But also because my abuser was insanely vicious o getting me to be the perfect weight etc for him and I still illogically rebel against that as if he were still in front of me yelling. Logically I realise that attractiveness is not solely weight dependent but it is like a safety layer. And yep I have put a lot of the weight I shifted last year, back on and am struggling to get to the gym, because old thought patterns remain loud enough to interfere, plus I stress eat and this year has been stressful. The stupid thing being I love the time in the gym and the strength my body was regaining.

    I believe that victims of abuse, like me, tragically, take over where the abuser began. I remember most of the cruel taunts of my abuser, even now, years on and they still influence me. I try to weed them out and make decisions unaffected by them but they remain there. They are being removed but it is a slow process and often they poke their heads back in at the moments of weakness. The combination of fending them off and the reality of a situation can just be too much. For example, I know that much of my underlying lack of self confidence is rooted in the past and seems undaunted by successes like my Masters. That provides practical evidence to the contrary of their content.

    The tendrils of the past can be controlled but there is a huge gap between discovering how and where they are influencing and being able to mitigate them. And to mitigate them prior to their influence dictating a response or action or emotion, rather than in the endless roll back on discovering that they already have been detrimental.

    It is like many things, a work in progress…


  2. This is so meaningful, I think you have hit the nail on the head. And hopefully being aware is the first stage to shrugging off the past tendrils. We all do bring our past with us, but the degree it affects us today presumably can be controlled..?

    Liked by 1 person

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