I am not sure what to write about today or yesterday as noted by the absence of a post. I thought it was because I had nothing to say. The previous glasses and spider posts evolved from their content being something I was strongly focused on at the time and it stirred memories related to them. Writing subsequently flowed with very little editing before posting. This led me to think that I currently didn’t have anything that I wanted or was compelled to share. However, the reality is that I had so many things on my mind none rose to the top for me to focus on and build into a singular post. All of the things I was stressed over or worried about or dealing with were all pressing me for their time in my thought processes. I would start writing about one topic and it would bleed into another and then another. It just wasn’t working and I gave up. In future, I will continue to organise the writing until I have a post to publish because in doing so I will clarify my thoughts (hopefully it won’t be too boring for the reader).
The problem with choosing and isolating a single theme for a post, mirrors a problem I find in my thought processes. Rather than being able to keep individual thoughts separated and with appropriate emotional responses they all feel like the same intense level of stress. Whats more the memories of the past join with those of the present and bring their own degree of emotion. It can be hard for me to determine if the emotion I am feeling is for the current situation or if it is amplified through the echo of a the past one. I have no ability to differentiate between the thoughts, to determine the degree to which they should influence my life now. For me, being late to a meeting can be as traumatic as being involved in a car accident. When hubby says everything stresses me, currently he is right, as everything literally can create stress for me.
This post was a lot longer but I managed to pare it down to the previous two paragraphs. It may be too sparse now but I believe that the essential initial thread is present. This will definitely be a work in progress with my returning to it to clarify and define it even more precisely, as much for myself as for anyone reading it. Along the way I would like to be able to untangle the now habitual generic response in my thinking to one that is more rationale and individualistic. The hope being that I can reduce my stress and to have actual, realistic causes when it occurs. I believe that knowing how my mind works and why, should help me address the flaws in either or both of these. I realise a lot of how I think and react is habitual tied into a survival response required in the past. That response is dysfunctional and it is time I took control. Finally and fully leaving the past and all the influencing tendrils evolving from what happened, behind me.