Monsters in the garden


I have an irrational fear of spiders. Irrational because, well, look at the size of them. Technically I could eradicate with prejudice by a judiciously applied foot. But that would contradict doing no harm. So I see a spider, I scream (that’s a given no matter the size bar daddy long legs, which don’t look like spiders. Give up if you are looking for the logic on that one), and then I tell them they have to the count of 10 to run before I get hubby to kill them. Okay I won’t let him kill them, he moves them into another area.

I am discussing spiders because of an incident today. We are re – covering our gardens. Think years of nothing but time for weeds to be established. And guess what is lurking underneath those, spiders and probably wetas, but they are for another day. So I am loading the car with the rubbish bags full of garden waste for me to drop to the dump. I could not make the poor rubbish guys risk being speared by a random branch. I look down and there on the drive way is a huge spider – black with gigantic legs. HUGE!!

My logical side sees that half the poor thing is squished and I so refuse to believe I stood on it because of the horror that would bring – A) because I killed it and B) because in doing so I touched the thing and I do not want to throw out my favourite running shoes because they touched the thing. So I scream, I don’t bother with the countdown because, well, its dead. But the side not squished is scary as hell and what if it is asleep not dead because you always have to be wary!!

So I could barely get in the car because I got too close in opening and entering the drivers side. I couldn’t use the passenger side because of the rubbish bags shoved into it. And, yes I would have done that. So I screech a lot (poor neighbours) and make it into the car. I was going to cover the spider to remove the scream factor of seeing it but I worried that I might kill it, if it wasn’t dead. Is the irrational fear label coming through clearly yet? When I got back from the dump I reversed the car in so I could exit away from the spider. I am hoping to convince hubby to move it out of sight.

I think my fear of spiders is derived in the science teacher that showed a film of trap door spiders, that provided the fodder for years of nightmares. I mean really … surprise I am a giant spider and the perfectly normal response of screaming young students makes me doubt how much the teacher really liked students. This also explains my dislike of science as well. This fear of the spider hiding in wait to spring its “surprise” was compounded by entering the kitchen of our new home and there on the window sill was a giant wolf spider (you will find my recollection of any spider as it being HUGE). I screamed, the movers and hubby came running and we discovered it was preserved by the exiting owners whose mental state is a concern considering who the heck leaves a spider as a welcome to your home gift?

I have tried the immersion theory of slowly acclimatizing to the spider in the hopes of accepting its place in my world. But if anyone thinks I am putting a spider on any part of my body, they are more insane than the people that left the wolf spider on my window sill. I did watch the movie Arachnophobia in the hopes that might help … it did not but possibly I broke the sound barrier with the prolonged screaming. Spiders and I are not destined to be anything … yep that covers it, anything sounds right.

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